Thursday, 9 February 2012

Met Plods Target Gang Crime - Again

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Hundreds of yobs and an assortment of scallies and scrotes have been arrested during raids across London by a new Metropolitan Police unit dedicated to tackling gangs whose members have got their names into the Plod Squad’s big black Naughty Book.
The crack unit includes officers previously working on Operation Trident – established to investigate gun crime in the black community – (while ignoring the same in the white community).

The Trident Gang Crime Command, headed by Det. Chief Supt. ‘Rabid Ron’ Cunty, is comprised of a thousand uniformed plods making up the three prongs of a dedicated tactical force which was originally tasked to monitor gang activity from a safe distance - then call up the RAF to launch a series of MQ-9 Reaper drone strikes to take out gang members engaged in criminal activities.

However since the all-new Met’ Commissioner Bernard ‘Hulk’ Hogan-Howe - aka ‘The Scourge of Scouseland’ – took over from his notoriously incompetent predecessor the game plan has advanced at a geometric rate due the urgings of London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense – to cut the galloping crime rate and make the city’s streets safer for polite society again well before the next Mayoral election in May - when Red Ken Livingroom starts canvassing for the top job by casting aspersions on the dodgy law and order situation.

The key strategy now devised is to get ‘risk averse’ plods off their fat arses and out on the streets, kicking in doors and actually arresting criminals instead of just watching them on CCTV monitors and waiting for the crim’s to get a twinge of conscience or find religion and hopefully turn themselves in.

With the Met executing 109 warrants, more than 300 raids have taken place across the capital since dawn on Wednesday – with truckloads of crack cocaine, heroin and cash seized – along with enough handguns and automatic weapons to rig out the Foreign Office’s newly-formed Free Syrian Army regiment’s mercenaries just tying their bootlaces in Turkey in readiness to cause all kinds of shit for the hapless President Assad in Damascus.

Commissioner Hulk Hogan-Howe - still looking like he needs that extra shot of botox to put a smile on his face – informed one gutter press hack from the Scallies Gazette that hundreds of officers would track down and arrest suspected gang members believed to be involved in a veritable smorgasbord of heinous crimes - including double parking, non-payment of council tax, and urinating in shop doorways. "The bottom line comes down to this - if they're offending, then we've got to arrest them for some fucking thing or the other.”

Interviewed on the BBC Breakfast Show, where he paused to grab a quick sausage and egg barm and a mug of builder’s tea, Hogan-Howe explained to presenter Candida Mingerot "Now the Met has a concerted and determined push to take out the ring-leaders, we’ll be attacking gangs from all angles. So this is where we need the input and community assistance from neighbourhood snitch and grasser groups like the Ox-Rat backstabbing charity. Hence if you do grass up some gang members then tell the police – or better still - people you know can protect you – such as the 22nd SAS Regiment - and then you’re reducing the risk of ending up with a Columbian necktie or knee-capped.”

One of the first of the Trident Command’s dawn raids took place at Slumborough Hamlets, where the Yobsters Gang leaders, 16-year old Ghengis ‘Asbo’ McGnasher and Harry ‘Pitbull’ Nosdork, 15, fought off plods with a hail of heavy machine gun fire and RPG’s for several hours until a tactical truce was mutually agreed on to have lunch delivered by the local Achmed’s Happy Kebab chew n spew fast food outlet – following which gas canisters of a banned incapacitating chemical agent were fired into the building to force the gang’s eviction.

Det CS ‘Rabid Ron’ Cunty informed applauding press hacks who had been running a book on who would come out on top in the Mexican standoff “We did intend to bomb the twats out with a couple of Carbapenem-Resistant Klebsiella pneumoniae (CRKP) virus grenades but that might take a couple of days for them to cough up their lungs and bleed out - so we settled on the Tabun nerve gas. It might be in breach of the Chemical Weapons Convention, but who really gives a flying fuck as long as we got the job done, eh.”

Thought for the day. The Trident Gang Crime Command project might well be fielding a thousand-strong force to combat gang related crime - whereas in a display of total hypocrisy London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense - while whingeing about street and gang crime - has actually slashed Plod Squad numbers in the Metropolis by 1,700 since March 2010.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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