Thursday, 1 March 2012

UK’s Payday Loan Sharks Slammed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Office of Fair Trading and the Financial Ombudsman Service, acting on a white-water rapids cascade of complaints from the National Debtline charity, have jointly warned payday lenders that their licences to operate will be revoked if they fail to comply with regulations and legal statutes regarding the collection of bad debts.

While Shylock Loans and Ripoffs Finance - owned respectively by the ‘capitalism on steroids’ Rothshite crime syndicate’s Bank of International Usury and Lord Monty Mammon’s Debtocracy Union - have since apologised to customers who received e-mails from their collectors threatening to come round and kick their front doors in and grab anything of value if they didn’t settle their debts, the ubiquitous High Street lenders Crap Credit, in spite of warnings, are rumoured to still be acting in an overly aggressive manner.

Ms Chantelle McSkanger, a 16-year-old single mother of three who hails from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, took out several payday loans last year when she had to move out of a shared garden shed and needed money to cover the cost of new accommodation on the local landfill site. When she found herself unable to pay back her first payday loan she borrowed more cash from another lender to pay it off.

Speaking to a press hack from the Pound of Flesh Gazette, Chantelle revealed “I got on ter that Debtocracy help line wot they advertise on the telly an’ they sez just offer them wot yer can afford – which is like fuck all, if yer get me meanin’. So ter get by I goes down ter Crap Credit’s place at the Civic Centre an’ some kikester scumbag behind the cashiers counter sez they’ll lend me a £100 quid fer two weeks until me benefits giro comes through – at wot they calls a typical APR of 750%.”

“So I’m out all effin’ night turnin’ tricks an’ floggin’ me golly down in Piccadilly an’ Canal Street ter pay it off – then I woz on the rags fer a week so I couldn’t do nowt but blowjobs – then I copped a dose of clap off some pikey twat wiv a drippy dick wot had no condoms - so I only had the welfare benefits an’ that’s not enough ter buy me booze an’ drugs, never mind feed the effin’ kids as well.”

“Then these twats from Crap Credit sent a couple of heavies from the Renta-Thug agency around wot threatened ter snatch me kids an’ sell ‘em ter some Paki’ paedo sex ring in Rochdale ter clear the effin’ debt if I didn’t cough up sharpish like, so I had ter sort them out wiv a three-hole clusterfuck ter bring the interest payments up ter date.”

“Yer know I got me NVQ 1 in Barrack Room Law from the local Asbo Central Academy an’ I reckon wot we needs is a show of mass solidarity an’ a collective demonstration of anarcho-syndicalism ter bring this whole economic system ter its knees wiv a general strike an’ shitcan the whole Crapitalist system."
"We gotta get risk averse wiv these bankster twats an’ put a stop on this effin’ fractional reserve lendin’ an’ derivatives speculation wiv our money. Then these 'too big ter fail' banks cop fer the same as some twat goin’ inter a casino an’ losin’ the effin’ lot – an’ gets told “Tough shit, Jack – now fuck off!” – like wot Iceland did an’ set the polar bears on the fuckers.”

While Crap Credit refused Ms McSkanger’s requests for help, her ‘quantitative easing’ loan debts with them continued to mount – with the account eventually passed on via a credit default swap to the International Bank of Hyper-Inflation – by which time her original £100 loan had spiralled to £75,000 nicker – against which she is now paying off £10 per month.

Finance specialist Dr Seymour Scattstein of the City of London’s prestigious Wilkins Micawber Institute of Economic Guessology, informed a reporter from ‘Extortion’ magazine that the number of people taking out payday loans in the UK has more than quadrupled since 2006 due the parlous state of the economy, with the latest figures indicating there are more than 1.2 million payday loan borrowers across the expanse of Broken Britain – a number increasing with each passing week.

“We’re aware that Crap Credit issued more than 100,000 loans in 2011. However the Financial Ombudsman Service has to date received more complaints concerning the dirty tricks practices of the company than any other payday lender – with Ms McSkanger’s tale of woe being typical of them acting in an overly aggressive manner, refusing to accept sustainable repayment offers and refusing to freeze interest and charges. So on reflection of the socio-environmental moral impact these usurious loans have then it’s pretty easy to see why Jesus turfed them all out of the Temple."

To misquote Heinrich von Kleist – “The kikester banking system is a vile, living, breathing monument to dishonesty and corruption”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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