Job Vacancy: Archbishop of Canterbury

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The incumbent Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has now confirmed Twitter rumours he intends to quit the Church’s top dog post in December.
Williams, 96, who was appointed the 104th Archbishop of Canterbury in 2002 to head the 85 million-strong Church of England, informed one press hack from the Apostates Gazette that “Stepping down has not been an easy decision, but all this genuflection and worship’s playing Hell with my old knees, regardless of some whispering ‘hassocks’ in my ear as a solution to the problem.”

“I’ve been doing quite a lot of ‘grey skies thinking’ as of late and decided I need a 180 degree sea change in my life – especially after having young Prince Harry Hewitt turning up here at weekend following his recent taxpayer-funded jaunt around the Caribbean and Brazil and confiding he was fed up with being part of the Royal Family and getting called a ginger-mingin cuckoo - and wanted to get a job stacking shelves in one of the Pestco or Pukesburys Greedy Grocer supermarket chains – and find love.”

“So I told him straight – don’t waste your life boy, nor piss around like your daft father – go out and grab a nice piece of arse and stay with it – not have the first one murdered like he and your grand-dad Philip did to your Mum, so he could marry that chain-smoking troll Gorgonzilla.”

“Basically, I like to sit back in the pews in an afternoon and visualise what I’d have done if not taking up the cloth. I could have gone off and joined Kony’s Army and been a general by the time I was 12 years old and had a jolly old time. Or become a Formula One driver – what a rush – or a professional gigolo catering to dirty old grandmas around the Riviera and really ‘sexercised’ my stunted libido.”

“Yet instead I accepted this sodding job and came into it full of vision, hope and excitement. Yet under my leadership, the Church of England and Anglican Communion have come close to splitting over the schism caused by the ordination of gay clergy and women bishops – and the EUSSR’s no smoking ban in pubs.”

“Thus as of late I’ve been reflecting on the growing divisions within the Church and as it seems apparent that some of these conflicts will never go away however long you struggle with them. So I’ve decided that I too belong in the ranks of the 99% and not this bunch of 1% elitist pondscum that lord it over humanity, much to the common detriment.”

“Recently I’ve been finding myself in conflict with God and all He’s suppose to stand for and does sod all about – hence have come to the conclusion He’s either a capricious, and vicious old cunt – or simply doesn’t exist. Yet another figment of our superstitious imaginations like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy – and fair play by our government.”

“So there I was, waking up each morning and looking into the bathroom mirror, then vomiting – not so much over the halitosis or due the fact I’m badly in need of a haircut and shave - but at the raw loathing I feel with the state of the world and what the land-grabbing Zionists and the Great Satan are doing around the globe – and the rotten Edomite mafia running Israel are doing to the poor old Palestinians – and what they’re dragging Broken Britain in to do with Iran – yet another illegal war justified by some propaganda rich false flag attack. I kid you not, under this veneer of civilisation and democracy lurks a Satanic beast of Biblical proportions.”

“The entire fabric of society has gone tits up - and the Church is confronted with this ‘same sex’ marriage controversy – more a chaotic brouhaha in my opinion. Just read what the Good Book says about men shagging other men – abominations – pure and simple. And we all know what God did to Sodom and Gomorrah – nuked the pair of them to ashes with His Divine Fire.”
“Really two blokes want to walk down the aisle together? Not in my church, thank you. Adam and Steve – nor Madam and Eve, indeed – and we’re left to wonder which one’s the Bride. Really, doesn’t anyone enjoy a bit of juicy pussy anymore – apart from the lesbians, of course?”

“It’s all graft and corruption permeating and infesting each and every nook and cranny of our society and officialdom - then we’ve got the sodding papist scum in the Vatican, supposedly catering to the spiritual needs of the community yet are riddled with a priesthood comprised of fudging sodomites and paedo kiddie fiddlers who simply can’t keep their perverted, lecherous paws off the altar boys and the choir’s pubescent sopranos.”

Thought for the day: So, as Rowan Williams goes off into the wild blue yonder to re-invent himself, why not shoot off down to your local Jobcentre Plus – that human resource commodity scrapheap – and grab an application form today.
This is an equal opportunities position open to anyone who believes in gay marriage, the rights of women bishops and has his own copy of the Bible – and can recite the Lord’s Prayer. A basic knowledge of exorcisms would be advantageous. Unlike Roman Catholic priesthood vacancies, this position is advertised as Latin-free.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.