Sunday, 4 March 2012

2 + 2 = Fuck Knows?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Broken Britain’s slack-jawed Secretary of State for Education, Michael ‘Pob’ Gove, the peasantry’s pathetic numeracy skills are blighting the nation’s economic performance on the global front - with millions of teenage NEETs and other assorted ‘thickies’ struggling to understand the odds on a Flatbrokes betting slip or their welfare benefits giro – or the weekly payment requirements of a drunk & disorderly / breach of the peace fine imposed by a magistrate’s court.

With data confirmed by Oxford’s National Numpty Study Group, figures indicate 90% of Broken Britain’s unemployed population possess only basic kindergarten maths skills which don’t encompass the solving of more complex ‘addition’ problems than tallying up the contents of the gas meter’s pillaged coin box – or some hapless mugging victim’s wallet.

Gove, the incumbent Tory MP for Surrey’s Bell End constituency, opined to one press hack from the Morons Review red top tabloid that poor numeracy was a national scandal.
Himself the mutant product of ancestors swimming too long at the shallow end of the gene pool, Gove had the hypocritical audacity to suggest weak maths skills are linked with an array of poor life outcomes such as incestuous mongrel parents, an over-indulgence of in-breeding , prison, unemployment, chronic truancy or exclusion from school, poverty and long-term stupidity.

“The stock answers of “Don’t do math” or “Yeah right – whatever” simply don’t cut it anymore. Really how do these bloody yobs get on when paying for their booze or drugs when a simple question such as “How many fingers and toes do you have?” elicits a reply of “Fucked if I know, Jack”.
“I simply can’t imaging how they’d cope in my job as an MP, constantly watching one's back when flipping your second home a couple of times a year or conjuring up a batch of creative accounting figures to pad the old Parliamentary expenses claims.”

Ms Candida Mingerot, chairman of the National Numpty Study Group and a former CEO of the UK Commission on the Educationally Sub-Normal, informed the media "It is simply inexcusable for anyone to say 'I can't do maths'. It is a peculiarly British disease which we aim to eradicate as many people can’t even get jobs as greeters at one of the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains due the fact they’re so thick they struggle to read door sighs like ‘Pull’ or ‘Push’.”

“These numeracy and literacy problems don’t even manifest in the Third World with the frequency they do here, as with encouragement and good teaching any sod and their dog can improve their basic maths skills without having to come up with a solution for Fermat’s last theorem.”
“Just look at the pygmies of the Short-Arse tribe in Equatorial Africa – they might not have a PhD in Quantum Physics from Cambridge but they certainly know how many conflict diamond carats it takes to buy an AK47 and a couple of new wives."

Thought for the day: What it all comes down to is our basket case education system which now teaches kids sweet fuck all - just trains them to be complaint drone adults, neuro-linguistically conditioned to be vulnerable to intimidation by the dildos in uniform that comprise the ‘tools of authority’ – the hammers that treat every problem as a nail to be struck. Good model citizens unaffected by Oppositional Defiance Disorder – like asking awkward questions concerning the UK’s state of Debtocracy and the gross mismanagement of our once-sceptred isle.

Let's not forget, Lenin was good at maths - and when he saw what a fuck-up the plutocratic Russian monarchy had made of the nation's fiscal system - instigated a revolution.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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