Punchy MP Gets Parliamentary Asbo

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

MP Eric ‘Biffo’ Joyce has been fined £3,000 quid and banned from the entire Troublespot Taverns pub chain for three months after he admitted assaulting fellow – albeit ‘opposition’ - politicians in the House of Conmans bar.

Joyce, the New Labour MP for East Thugkirk in Scotland, head-butted Georgie Porgy, the Conservative MP for Pudding & Pie, during a heated argument at the Strangers' Bar which centred on accusations that Mr Porgy had kissed Alice the barmaid and made her cry.

While running amok and threatening to kill or maim everyone old enough to bleed, Joyce further put the boot in Tory councillors Humpty Dumpty and Bo Peep, and pushed Lib-Dum MP Dr Foster into a puddle of piss in the gent’s toilets.

After sentence at Westminster Magistrates' Court, Joyce informed one press hack from the Brass Neck Gazette that he intended to stay on as an MP.
“Why the fuck would I chuck this great little earner in just cos I duffed up a couple of scally bastard Tories. Tony Bliar never resigned over the illegal invasion of Iraq – nor fer havin’ poor Dr David Kelly suicided either – or the fubar 7/7 false flag terrorist attacks he authorised ter demonise the country’s Muslim community an’ generate a wave of Islamophobia ter justify the wars in Iraq an’ Afghanistan.”

Joyce, who had to be restrained by several Plod Squad officers following the attacks, which ringside witnesses described as like a scene from the Wild West, was also slapped with a 12-month community order which included a curfew from Friday to Sunday

According to witness testimony in court, Joyce had been mixing pints of Topless Totty 8% ABV real ale with Pit Bull Brewery’s 12% ‘Dogbite’ lager in the House of Conmans Strangers Bar before going into his inebriated berserker and shouted at the Parliamentary plod detail "Yer can't touch me, ya Sassenach bastards, I'm a fuckin’ MP!"

The Parliamentary record shows that Joyce has been the New Labour MP for East Thugkirk since December 2007, and before entering politics had served in the Army as a Welfare Officer at Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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