Monday, 12 March 2012

Afghan War Biggest Fuckup Since Creation

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A mere three weeks ago the civilised world was treated to a graphic display of Afghan Army squaddies from the 18th Kabul Bonkers Brigade going squirly and snuffing the Great Satan’s infidel NATO troops for burning a barrow-load of Korans in the prison garbage dump at Bagram Air Base – bolstered by mob riots of the Faithful condemning the same heinous crime of sacrilege and ripping each other’s heads off in their demented frustrations.

US officials have apologised repeatedly for the incident at the Kabul NATO base, but failed to quell a widespread series of anti-Western protests and attacks that have so far killed at least thirty people and six US troops.

Now, at the polar opposite end of the total lunatic fringe scale and to add to the generalised fucked-up situation of winning hearts and minds a US grunt has a bit of a bad day, gets stressed out and goes off the deep end - killing every civilian Afghan enough to bleed.

Anti-US sentiment is already at a critical mass ‘eruption’ level in Afghanistan after their GI’s, not too switched on in the cerebral grey matter or political correctness departments, burnt copies of the Koran last month as a vindictive, albeit symbolic retaliatory gesture aimed as a counter to the fact Muslims hate Western democratic freedoms.

So, applying base logic, the question of the day has got to be: ‘Who the fuck is actually in charge of the Great Satan’s uniformed psychopaths and homicidal maniacs assigned to the USFOR-A and Operation Enduring Warfare over there in the Graveyard of Empires - General John R. Allen (aka Old Knobhead) or Wiley T. Coyote?’

One initial report in the Warmongers Gazette claims that Staff Sergeant Dwayne G. Dorkbender III, who arrived in Afghanistan three weeks ago from his post at the MacDildo Military Base in Florida to join the ranks of the 21st Body Bag Regiment, had experienced a bad trip after smoking too much raw opium while on duty guarding the poppy crops at Kandahar in Bellend Province and went – in army parlance - ‘slightly ballistic’ (no pun intended) slaughtering 17 innocent civilians – men and women – along with 9 children and a score of goats - and wounding as many more.

NATO-ISAF Commander Billy Bob Redneck issued a press release stating that the incident was deeply regrettable and they had dispatched a stream of official “Whoops – Sorry!” apology-grams to the surviving members of the affected families.

“Well, here we have just another fuck-up in a long line of fuck-ups in this Third World shithole – so obviously we’ll be investigating what the fuck happened and be doubly cautious whom we issue with an M60 and belts of ammo in future.”

Mobs of unwashed peasant types have reportedly gathered near the NATO base in the Panscrubber district of Kandahar - the spiritual home of the Taliban Dan Gang and a hive of insurgent activity - to protest about Sunday's killings – with the US Embassy in Kabul advising against travel to the area by campers, sightseers or holiday-makers due the threat of anti-US reprisals.

In Kabul, Afghan President Hamid Kami-Karzai, speaking to one gutter press hack from the Sociopaths Review on behalf of his Kleptocracy Party cabinet condemned Staff Sergeant Dorkbender’s murderous rampage and demanded immediate compensation for the dead and wounded to be paid to the Ministry for Graft & Corruption in hard foreign currency – preferably gold or diamonds.

Thought for the day: For a foreign – and too ‘infidel’ - military force that invaded the sovereign state of Afghanistan in 2001 to chase off the nasty Taliban and catch up with Osama bin Laden, the Al Qaeda head honcho, they’ve managed to kill more fucking civilians than Taliban Dan’s Gang ever did – hence the Great Satan and NATO are now about as popular as a gaggle of lepers at a christening – and Afghan patience is wearing very thin – to the point that life was better under the old regime than the current US / Himid Karzai circus without a tent fiasco.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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