Doc’s Slam NHS 111 Scheme as ‘SNAFU’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A group of senior doctors from the British Medical Association, interviewed on the BBC’s popular Coffin Fodder programme last weekend, stated for the public record that they have serious reservation concerning the fatally-flawed rollout of the National Health Service’s 111 phone line in England.

The free one-stop number scheme – a joint venture project dreamed up by the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next and the NHS Department for Advanced Guesswork – to serve the needs of patients with urgent, but not life-threatening symptoms (a partly-severed limb; ballistic diarrhoea; galloping frostbite or foreskin caught in a fly zip) is planned to be fully implemented by April Fool’s Day, 2013.

Since the all-new non-emergency 101 Plod Squad phone number was launched across the length and breadth of Broken Britain in January it has already been inundated with more than 2.5 zillion calls – none of which resulted in a police action response due the fact all active units – now decimated by staffing cuts under the Libservative Coalition's budget austerity scheme - were busy with the ‘real deal’ 999 emergency calls - ‘kettling’ cutbacks protest marchers; shooting Brazilian electricians; tipping disabled tuition fee hike demonstrators out of their wheelchairs; beating newspaper vendors to death for a bit of a laugh – or providing a 24/7 security detail to guard the worthless arch-scumbag Muslim preacher Abu Qatada from the likes of the EDL’s Renta-Moron assassins.

Conversely, and according to the BMA quacks, here lies the criterion. The 101 number is intended for calls that do not require an emergency response from either the plods or fire service (such as cat up tree / or home owner preferring to sort out teenage yobster burglars himself with a kitchen knife) – whereas the 111 call scheme is placing the onus of diagnosis on an untrained member of the numpty public.

Per se, what does constitute ‘serious’ with a medical condition? A severed carotid artery? A toddler with a leg ripped off by the family’s baby-biting Pitbull terrier? Granny with a prolapsed sphincter and haemorrhoids hanging out of her arse like a festoon of black grapes? Some pillock ringing for advice on how best to ‘caponise’ a rooster to fatten it up for Xmas dinner – or a depressed homeless sod calling up for a spot of counselling on the most painless and less-messy ‘dignified’ method of committing suicide?

According to the initial NHS launch promo’ spiel, when a patient rang 111 and connected to the Harold Shitman Clinic for Excellence in Health Care call centre they received the customary remote recorded bullshit “Your call is important to us” reply - before being presented with a choice of options – “If you’re bleeding to death, press button 1”, “If you’re in great pain, press 2 and scream” or “If you’re unconscious, press 3” etcetera et al, until finally getting some crap elevator music and put on hold as “all our call centre staff are busy right now – someone will be with you shortly.”

NHS director Ms Fellattia van der Gamm informed the media “This was an unfortunate result of us retrenching our experienced call centre personnel to the Jobcentre then kick starting the pilot with a non-clinician team of Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society teenage volunteers who were assigned to us through the government’s ‘Jobs 4 Yobs - Graft 4 Fuckall’ work experience programme – or lose their paltry unemployment welfare benefits.”

However, things have now undergone improvements - if one abstains from spitting the dummy and maintains their cool they’ll eventually be connected to some fucker or their dog in New Delhi who’ll announce in their own brand of ‘English’ “Hi, my name’s Ragshit – what can I do for you this morning?” – even though it’s the middle of the night at your neck of the woods and Grandma’s just fallen head-first down the stairs again.

But Ragshit has the means at his disposal to dispatch an ambulance to your location post haste - if that is what's required – or put someone straight through to a nurse, book an out-of-hours GP appointment, or direct the caller to a pharmacist, dentist, chiropodist or clap clinic – or perhaps order you a three course Indian special – with extra chapattis and lime pickle – from his Uncle Jagdeep‘s take-away in Bradford.

Regardless of all these ‘little extras’ the innovative NHS ‘outsourced’ call centre scheme did come in for lashings of criticism during the pilot beta test stages due hysterical females of the species – and too a clutch of post-op’ transvestites - dialling 111 when their faulty PIP boob job implants ruptured during a heavy tit-mashing sex session, resulting in a mix of industrial silicon and tyre vulcanising fluid dripping out of their nipples – then being advised by the smelly Delhi operators to call up Kwik-Fit or the AA or RAC for assistance.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.