Cometh the Renta-Plod Squad

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under guidelines drawn up by Whitehall’s Department for Advanced Guessology working in conjunction with the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, private security firms are to be tasked with the investigation of crimes and fielding ‘Plods-on-the-Hoof’ to patrol troublespot neighbourhoods in England and Wales.

The East Smegmadale and Kuntsborough forces - two of England's largest - have invited bids for contracts from security companies on behalf of all of Broken Britain’s forces south of Hadrian’s Wall, to replace the thousands of plods facing mandatory redundancy and the human resources Jobcentre scrapheap under the Libservative Coalition’s draconic austerity measures – a questionable 'false economy' move to pay favoured private security corporations more to provide policing services that the government claims it can’t afford in the first place.

After being targeted with a deserved barrage of criticism from civil rights activists and cries of ‘Foul!’ by the Plod Squad Union, the Home Office stressed private firms would not have total police powers whereby they’d be able to beat news vendors to death with impunity during future G20 demonstrations, nor murder innocent Brazilian electricians for looking slightly ‘Muslim’ – nor go out mob-handed to ambush and snuff alleged Tottenham bad boys like Mark Duggan – nor auction off tasty scandalous titbits to Rupert Mudrock’s News Group’s gutter press tabloids.

The plans to involve the private sector in front line policing emerge at a time of 20% cuts to police budgets with the Morons-R-Us and Thug-Hire security agencies invited to submit tender bids to deliver a number of services currently undertaken by the police. These will include responding to and investigating major crime incidents; water boarding suspects to obtain confessions - and patrolling yob-ruled Scally Alley asbo-infested neighbourhoods.

The contract has a potential value of £1.5 billion quid per annum but could easily rise to £3.5 billion if the government of the day decide to scrap the UK’s Plod Squads in entirety and make a total bollocks of the nation’s law and order situation as per they did when they privatised British Rail and turned it over to the incompetent, profit (and subsidy) motivated likes of Ripoff Rail, First Crapita, Rattle Track, Sardine Mainline and Notwork Trains.

Conversely Unison's Baz McSkanger informed a press hack from the Fascist Gazette that "Bringin’ the private sector inter policin’ is a dangerous experiment wiv local safety and taxpayers' cash. We’re urgin’ police authorities not ter fall inter the trap of thinkin’ the private sector’s gonna be the answer ter the useless coalition's budget cuts."

"Privatisation means that the Renta-Plod Squad will be unaccountable ter the public. Hence people will no longer be able ter go ter the Independent Police Coverups Commission if they’ve got a problem wiv wrongful arrest but have ter take it up wiv the Office of Fair Trading or the BBC’s Watchdog consumer protection programme."

“Wot we got here is the latest an’ greatest in ‘profit-motivated’ policing – wiv performance bonuses getting’ dished out fer the most arrests an’ prosecutions an’ a Plod of the Month award.”
“Why don’t they just use Scamerons Big Society volunteer force and Deputy PM Mick Clogg’s ‘Jobs 4 Yobs’ programme? If yer want ter be on the team then get an NVQ 1 in Criminology from the local Asbo Central Academy, master the art of saying “Ello,ello, ello – wot ave we ere then, eh?” and you’ll be away.”

“Then again that’s gonna attract the usual brand of officious uniform fetishists an’ psycho bullies bent on intimidatin’ small children an’ old ladies on Zimmer frames. The type of scumbags wot’s addicted ter power trip frenzies an’ used ter dominate their hamster when they woz a kid.”

The jackboot’s first steps on the path to fascism are always tip-toe soft.

Thought for the day: Be it this vaunted yet hypocritical doctrine of Democracy, or the all-consuming Communism system, or the totalitarian political censorship of Fascism at its worse – whatever mask they wear each is a dictatorship set against the interests of the proletariat - and their tools of enforcement are the red-tape bureaucracy, the plod squads and ultimately, the nation’s military.

While Orwell’s 1984 provides both alarming and prophetic insights to what a Dystopian state might manifest as, perhaps it is time, and again prudent, to remind our vainglorious PM Posh Dave Scameron and his Libservative Coalition that the revelatory text was a ‘warning’ aimed at the common people – and definitely not a blueprint and instruction manual – Totalitarianism for Dummies - for governments to impose on their own voting public.

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.