In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Britain’s Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) have issued a press statement announcing that the man cops shot dead in Cheshire on Saturday didn’t really have a gun in his hand – or in the car - after all – and the Snickers choco-caramel bar he was holding was inadvertently mistaken for a 9mm Glock automatic pistol with a silencer fitted due PC Thuggerotti not wearing his police issue Specsaver Specials.
A veritable legion of similar cases over recent months have raised fears that psycho rogue elements of Broken Britain’s Plod Squad have been given a hush-hush say-so to indiscriminately kill suspected career criminals to save money on trials – plus additionally target, waylay and snuff any annoying members of the general population who exhibit signs of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and start questioning the status quo – with the stock excuse being “The dodgy sod had this very “suspicious’ look about him and we felt threatened”.
The Greater Manchester Plod Squad announced on Saturday that 36-year-old Ron ‘Tourettes’ McSkanger was killed in a pre-planned police operation to target anti-EUSSR membership activists protesting around Culcheth but did not clarify what prompted the shooting.
McSkanger’s death has raised speculations that he suffered the same fate as the 3,186 other ‘suspects’ who have lost their lives while being arrested or in police custody since 1969.
More worrying still is the fact that no police officer has ever been convicted for one of these atrocities – a disgusting anomaly that has triggered a legion of demonstrations against police brutality and the culture of establishment corruption.
Such was instanced so perfectly with the Tottenham riots sparked by the extra-judicial and illegal ‘shoot first – ask questions later’ killing of suspected bad boy Mark Duggan last August which resulted in half the commercial and retail premises in the UK being looted and burned to the ground by rioting protesters out for a good time.
Apparently children fled in terror last Saturday afternoon in Culcheth as the GMP’s Gung Ho team opened fired on a gang of robbery suspects and killed the driver of a red Audi hatchback sporting an expired road tax disc. Screaming youngsters suffered involuntary bowel movements and shit their pants as they were forced to dodge bullets and CS gas canisters while fleeing into the nearby Biffo’s Barf Burger chew n spew fast food outlet for cover as police gunned down Ron McSkanger.
One Plod Squad whistleblower who spoke to gutter press hacks on the promise of complete anonymity (PC Harry Snitch) revealed that officers had been tracking the red Audi for some time in the belief that the occupants were planning to carry out a robbery. When the occupants were seen allegedly putting on masks, armed officers surrounded the car and ordered the four men inside to put their hands up – with McSkanger failing to do so as he’d inadvertently put his balaclava on backwards.
Moments later, PC Thuggarotti opened up with his Heckler-Koch MP5 on full auto, blasting out the vehicle’s windscreen with half a clip of jacketed ammo and shooting the hapless driver, McSkanger, in the chest.
Three other men, Baz ‘Pitbull’ Twattbury, Harry ‘Dogbite’ Scrote and Jacko ‘Gnasher’ Nosdork, a former cormorant strangler, who claim they were getting kitted out for a fancy dress party, were held after the swoop, which GMP claim was a pre-planned operation cobbled together following a tip-off from the Rent-a-Grasser agency.
Saturday's incident came two weeks after a cutlass-wielding gang of unemployed Somali pirates robbed the Co-Op store in the same village and escaped down the adjacent canal in a hijacked narrow boat with a haul of potato crisps, novelty eye patches and parrot seed.
Local resident Chantelle McSlapper, a 15-year old mother of three, told reporters “I sorta looks outa the effin’ window an’ there’s these three plods all done up in ninja gear wiv machine guns an’ gas masks on – so I goes outside ter see wot the crack is an’ there’s this stink of CS gas in the air wot smelled just like it did every afternoon when me an’ me bloke woz on holiday in Bahrain last summer.”
The mortally wounded McSkanger was taken by ambulance to the NHS Trust’s Harold Shipman Clinic for Excellence in Health Care in nearby Warrington but was pronounced dead on arrival.
GMP’s Chief Constable Sir Armitage Shanks issued a press release, stating “This incident has now been referred to the Independent Police Coverups Commission who will carry out an inquiry to establish all the facts of the case."
"We are also working very closely with both Cheshire Police and the wider communities affected by this incident – including keeping Mr Murdock’s News International media machine well informed of all developments as per usual.”
Oh well, at least McSkanger wasn’t gunned down in cold blood by the Plod Squad’s trigger-happy psychopaths after being mistaken for a Brazilian electrician.
We have long-established laws and courts that hand down retributive penalties for crimes against society – alas a justice system that the police themselves appear to be exempt from.
How does the Crown Prosecution Service credo go? “Where there is sufficient evidence to prosecute - and where prosecution is in the public interest' - but not when the plods are the ones on the receiving end of things.
Do you have any sadistic tendencies? Could you beat an alkie news vendor to death just because you were having a bit of a bad day? How about tipping disabled kids out of their wheelchair and dragging them across the road? Punching split-arsed G20 demonstrators in the face for being a bit Bolshie, perhaps? Can you tell the difference between a Paki Muslim and a South American sparkie?
If you’re currently out of a job or simply need a few bob extra for that new smart phone, don’t forget Broken Britain’s Plod Squad are always on the lookout for homicidal maniacs, so if you have any of the above perverted character faults and think you qualify why not give us a call on 101.
Thought for the day: Fuck the psycho Plod Squad and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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