Beaner’s Gnarly Fart Clears Texas Bank

Scores of people went to hospital and dozens were treated by CrapStar paramedics on the scene for breathing problems, nausea and vomiting attacks after a crowd-dispersing fart of Apocalyptic proportions was dropped by a Mexican woman in a Texas bank.

Emergency service officials primarily suspected that either an Islamic Jihadist or domestic militant terrorist nerve gas attack had taken place, similar to the Aum Shinriko sarin gas strike on the Tokyo subway in 1995.

However gas detectors revealed the airborne substance to be a massive fart that sickened almost 150 people at the Forth Worthless branch of Banksters Leavings and Groans just before lunchtime yesterday.

The 16 stone woman, since identified by Homeland Security agents after CCTV footage was examined and scrutinised, is seen waddling into the bank and leaning on a service counter filling in her welfare cheque when she bends in a spasm of acute pain, then straightens up, cocks her body over to one side, lifts her right leg and lets rip a huge fart – SBD (Silent But Deadly) the duration of which could be easily estimated by the way her skirt flapped in the wind.

She then sniffed the air, held her nose between a finger and thumb and promptly exited the bank – leaving a swathe of noxious flatulence to permeate the entire building.

The woman, Ms. Putata Bendeco, a Mexican tourist slightly over her visitors visa - by three years, was tracked down to her Slumdog Trailer Park home in Wetback County and confronted by Homeland Security agents where she admitted experiencing stomach pains while in the bank and perhaps did vent wind by accident.

Apparently Ms. Bendeco had been suffering from what she described to officers as a ‘slight tummy upset’ since attending a Mexican barrio fiesta wedding party the previous weekend at Waco, where she gobbled up several plates of chillied scorpions, a few bowls of Frijoles de Olla and two man-sized lengths of barbequed rattle snake – all washed down with a couple of pints of nuclear strength Tabasco sauce.

To make amends for the trouble she had caused Ms. Bendeco voluntarily agreed to undergo an emergency enema at the Fort Worthless Advanced Weapons Research Centre so scientists could obtain samples of – and reverse-engineer - the devastating toxic gaseous mix she erupted anally - which Jane’s Warmongers Weekly estimate the US military intend to deploy in Afghanistan to clear al Qaeda and Taliban forces from their cave complex strongholds.

While the fart-stricken public and bank staff later recovered from the Mexican bean and chilli generated noxious flatulence exhausted by Ms. Bendeco, one security guard remained hospitalised with second degree burns which he sustained after fleeing the bank’s main concourse with a handkerchief held to his mouth then locked himself in a basement lavatory and tried to light a cigarette to calm his gas-rattled nerves.
The methane- laden fart - being heavier than air – had seeped down the stairwell and accumulated in the toilet – exploding when the guard struck a match.