Failed Numpty Prosecutions Costing Mega-Bucks

In a desperate act of self-preservation to camouflage their obstinate stupidity Brummie prosecutors claim they were wholly justified in spending an estimated £20,000 on the Crown Court trial of a man who was acquitted of stealing a nine inch long exotically-curved yellow tropical fruit - eventually identified by police forensic experts working alongside senior botanists from Kew Gardens as a ‘banana’.

Ronnie Scrunt, a 16-year old apprentice welfare benefits sponger, allegedly stole the fruit from outside the Albanian-owned ‘Roast Swan’ restaurant in Birmingham's Bullshit Shopping Mall.
Additional trumped up charges of stealing a mango, a pineapple and a Chinese gooseberry were dropped by police prior to the trial due lack of material evidence.

Scrunt chose to be tried by a judge and jury and was cleared on Friday of charges of theft and domestic terrorism at Birmingham Crown Court.

Sebastian Fuctifino, district Crown prosecutor for Birmingham, informed a reporter from the Time Wasters Gazette the decision to proceed with a trail was based on whether there was "sufficient evidence for a realistic prospect of conviction and it was in the public interest to do so.”

“We recommended this matter was suitable to be dealt with in the magistrates' court. However, Mr Scrunt elected trial by jury, as is his right, so the case was heard in the Crown Court.”

Mr Scrunt of Twatsworth Crescent, Squattingham, said after the verdict he was relieved and had chosen a Crown Court trial before a jury because he believed the biased and racist Paki’ magistrates on the lower court bench would have found him guilty due his skinhead hair style and the neo-Nazi swastika tattoo on his forehead – plus the fact he was wearing his best BNP ‘Darkies Go Home’ t-shirt.

Mr. Gustav von Twitte QC, for the defence, told the jury that Scrunt and another man - Barry McYob - were – to quote from the police blotter record – “pissed as rats” after a binge drinking session to celebrate Scrunt’s 16th birthday.

McYob was given a 2 hour Community Service sentence in the lower magistrates court in July - suspended for twelve months - after pleading guilty to charges of urinating down a police officer’s leg with malice aforethought and being drunk in charge of a shopping bag.

The court heard evidence that Scrunt and McYob were filmed on CCTV cameras leaving the Pikey’s Arms pub and staggering past the Mall’s Roast Swan restaurant when Scrunt reached up and pulled a banana from a ripening bunch growing in the al fresco dining area.

It was argued by defence counsel that Scrunt – in his inebriated condition - had believed shoppers could simply pick fruit off the trees in planters around the restaurant forecourt as there weren’t any ‘No Scrumping’ signs posted or price tags attached to the fruit.

Further, Scrunt had not been afforded the opportunity to pay for the banana and the restaurant was not open for business at the time the incident occurred.

The court was also informed that the inept Bullshit Shopping Mall security guards from the Renta-Thug agency had acted too quickly in apprehending Messers Scrunt and McYob and summoning police assisstance when the entire matter might well have been settled amicably and without the costs of a Crown Court trail.

The idiotic context of the case parallels the farcical trial and acquittal last summer of TV celebrity survivalist Ray Mears who was apprehended by PCSO’s while waiting at a New Forest bus stop for a ride back to London with his camping equipment and duly arrested for ‘loitering with a tent’.