Monday, 24 August 2009

Most Burgled Postcodes Start House Price War

Homeowners in parts of Snottingham-on Sea and Snobsford in Kent are among the UK's most likely to file burglary claims according to a study just released by the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money.

Five of the top 20 postcode areas where people have made actual genuine home insurance claims for burglary over the past year were in neighbouring Pukesbury, with a total of six in Snottingham, a further six in Snobsford and three in the stockbroker belt haven of Kuntsborough.

Thus the bordering Kent / Sussex / Surrey regions were identified as the worst-hit area through analysis of 2:6 million claims by the Lichtenstein-based Shit or Bust Home Insurance company.

Fellatia van der Gamm, company secretary, informed a reporter from the Stop n Rob Gazette that if burglars were attracted or enticed to a residential area due its potential for high value / unsecured booty – such as an outdoor pond’s Koi carp, antique garden furniture and sculptures - then such an area would obviously be classed as a desirable address – boosting property values – simply due the moronic human nature snobbery factor.

Figures released by the Twatsford Valley Plod Squad showed there were 284,445 house break-ins in their area of responsibility during the 2008 / 2009 financial year, equating to one victim every two minutes – which prompted CID detectives to deduce that fact alone definitely indicated there was more than one gang of break-in and entry scallies active in the area and that the burglary industry seemed quite unaffected by the current economic recession and hadn't been outsourced to India.

Conversely the recession and financial crashes have seen many white collar bankster types cast into unemployment – sans bonuses - and with mega-bucks mortgages to service have resorted to ‘arranging’ burglaries on their own properties and filing false insurance claims after selling off their ‘stolen’ household goods around London’s weekend Pikey Pete’s car boot sales.

At the other end of the social scale, in the grim North-West of our once-sceptered isle, social services, councils and housing associations are encountering problems enticing homeless people to actually move into houses around Wythenshawe’s infamous Scumford council estate in Greater Manchester – which hold the Guinness World Record for the number of burglaries on a single property in a 24 hour period.

Chantelle McSlagg, a 16-year old mother of three and her partner Jacko Scrunt told Pox News “We prefer livin’ ‘ere in dis bus shelter – we ain’t got naff all ter our names – apart from our benefit books - so no twat comes round botherin’ yer like an’ tryin’ ter steal yer shit. We’re neo-nihilist latter-day existentialists – an’ proud of it too.”

But who can blame Chantelle and Jacko for their stand on refusing to be housed in Burglaryville Central - with people breaking into each others houses on a daily / nightly basis around these super-slum Sink or Swim housing estates where the inhabitants are too poor to afford insurance hence if their telly gets nicked they simply go out and steal some other fuckers.

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