Wednesday, 26 August 2009

UK Roswell Incident Stays on Secret List

General Sir Gaylord Snivellington-Snide, former head of the armed forces, told the Defence Secretary a UFO incident known as Britain's Roswell could be a potential "effing banana skin" - Shitehall-speak for a looming political embarrassment - just waiting for somewhere to happen.

In 1983 Snivellington-Snide spoke to Michael Hasseltine about the "Bliar Twitch Incident" in which a minor Labour party politician – Tony Bliar – the-then unknown and insignificant MP for Slimefield - was abducted by a UFO while on a crop circle night watch at Rendlesham in Wiltshire with his old mate Petey Scandalson.

The ‘flying saucer’, described by eye-witnesses as more of a ‘flying breakfast cereal bowl’, apparently completed its crop circle formation tasks then landed at a nearby Quick Fix garage outlet to expedite repairs - where the crew of Grey aliens abducted the snooping gob-smacked gormless Bliar - taking Scandalson along as a human mammalian-form mutant curiosity to be prodded and poked with sharp implements.

The case is among the latest MoD files on UFOs ready to be released from the National Naughty Archive files – which today got itself slapped with a big ‘No-No’ sticker by Sir Jarvis Fuctifino, the Minister for Keeping Mum.

However, according to disaffected MoD archivist Sid Snitch, speaking to the Daily Shitraker on conditions of anonymity - and a few bob to offset the financial trauma caused by his recent enforced redundancy - the UFO was tracked by MoD radar, travelling on a course for the 12th Planet Nibiru, where Bliar was brainwashed and programmed to join with fellow US abductee Dubya Bush in kick-starting World War Three in the Middle East – then concentrate his political efforts on screwing up the UK economy – a sick galactic joke put in place 18 years before the actual events occurred.

The file maintains that the UFO – or a similar model – returned to the UK skies the following week, collided with a flock of seagulls over the Channel and crash-landed on the A338 trunk road close to Bournemouth, which the MoD were quick to close access to and blame the carnage and entire incident on a prototype SRN 4 Hovercraft going out of control while undergoing sea trials in the Solent.

Bliar and Scandalson, along with several Greys, were pulled from the wreckage unshaven and stinking of cheap booze – and perfume – with a story being put around by MI6 investigators and the debriefing team that the dodgy duo had been on an Old Boy’s buggering bender.

It was duly noted by family, friends and political associates alike that upon their return to Terra Firma, Tony and Petey could no longer tell the truth to any question put to them – even if they didn’t have a lie parcelled and ready to go – a personality fault they’ve successfully managed to maintain to the present day.

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