Sunday, 16 August 2009

Smoking Movies Get 18-Plus Rating

Children under 18 will be banned from watching films that depict characters smoking – tobacco, spliffs, opium – or kippers - under plans now being considered by UK local authorities Orwellian 'Thought Police' following directives issued by Whitehall’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money.

An 18 certificate - usually reserved for movies with explicit blood and guts violence or three-hole clusterfuck dogging session sexual content - will be slapped on any film featuring smokers that fails to explain cigarettes are nasty things that fuck up your lungs.

Such movie titles would include the Disney children’s classic 101 Dalmatians cartoon, in which the evil Cruella de Ville - every kinky little boy’s Dominatrix masturbation fantasy - waves her phallic symbol cigarette holder and exhales noxious clouds of tobacco smoke out of her facial orifices – ears included.

Conversely, one exception to the new rules will be movies which feature major historical characters who were known to be smokers.

Hence any films with Churchill the Bulldog brandishing his trademark cigar and pronouncing “Oh yes!” with annoying constancy would not be affected.
Neither would the ever-popular candid camera newsreel footage of the Queen’s 1953 coronation that caught Prince Philiip and Mary, the Queen Mother, sharing a bifta at the back of Westminster Abbey prior to the crowning ceremony.

But for Humphrey Bogart starring as the chain-smoking Rick the Dick in the iconic classic Casablanca, spitting out lumps of festering lung and telling some bloke called Suntan Sam to play the effin’ piano – or else – that’s a big no show and could be restricted to adult viewers only as it fails to explain that cigarettes are bad for you – and are what snuffed old Humph’ personally.

As everyone in the movie actually smoked – including Claude Rains, Peter Lorre and Sweltering Sydney Greenfeet – to create the constant murky sepia effect – it is doubtful the film will ever be screened again – except to students of post-Apocalypse bio-chemical warfare studies.

So the soon-to-be-released new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Dowfall Jnr will feature a rehabilitated detective who no longer puffs 24/7 on one of his huge meerchaum or calabash pipes belching out noxious clouds of pea-soup fog inducing smoke from the smouldering Borkum Riff black shag tobacco.

This Holmes will be a politically-correct keep-fit criminologist who jogs across the Grimpen Mire hot in pursuit of spectral hounds, while fiddling with his violin and munching muesli – and follows his good doctor friend Watson’s advice when it comes to cocaine addiction or eating Mrs. Hudson’s high cholesterol pigswill culinary efforts.

If the idiotic Orwellian-Kafkaesque scheme is given the full go-ahead then cinemas and any other premises showing films would have to notify the council 21 days in advance if they intend to screen a movie containing images of smoking.

Tory local government spokesman Lester Slugg, MP for Old Scrotum, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker 'It’s not the role of town halls to act as puritanical thought police, banning children from watching films that depict someone puffing away at a fag because they might offend politically correct sensibilities – when their own parents smoke in front of them.

'This is a sledgehammer to crack a nut – typical of New Labour and the EU’s Brussels Mafia – when the only tool you have is a hammer then every problem starts looking like a nail.”

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