Quangos Blackball Everyday English Phrases

In a further attempt to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that the World has gone totally tits-up barmy dozens of UK quangos and unleashed taxpayer-funded organisations have ordered a purge of common words and phrases so as not to cause offence to any fucker or their dog – or cat – whatever – and put the Oxford English Dictionary in the library shelves archive section marked – ‘offensive and redundant’ – then throw up a big Sieg Heil salute to Common Purpose.

Among the everyday sayings that are being targeted for elimination in a bid to stamp out racism and sexism – and various other unspecified ‘ism’s’ in this topsy-turvey society are “blacker than the Ace of Spades, “gentleman’s agreement”, “holier-than-thou” - and “right-hand man” – which is seen as discriminating against cack-handed blokes – or women – and disabled persons – male or female – or transvestites.

The Northern Ireland Human Wrongs Commission has advised staff to replace the phrase “black day” with “miserable day”, according to documents released under the Freedom of Idiotic Suggestions Act 2008 - which caused an immediate complaint response from the Society for Miserable Twats (SA).

A survey just released by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money points out that certain words carry with them a “hierarchical valuation of skin colour”.

The report even urges employees to be mindful of the term “ethnic minority” because it can imply “something smaller and less important” – so if there is a singular elderly brown Islamic Asian gay person with a receeding hairline working in the office he - or she - should not be referred to as ‘the ethnic minority’ – even though there’s only one of him – or her – and should henceforth be called that ‘bald old Muslim Paki faggot’ - so as not to upset his ‘ethnic minority racial (or sectarian) sensibilities.

To take a step further into this potential quagmire of political suicide, the Institute for Regional Stupidity believes that the phrase “gentleman’s agreement” is potentially offensive to women and suggests that staff should replace it with “ladies agreement” – which immediately heralded in a rake of complaints from offended male types – and several cross-dressing groups.

Further idiotic advice issued by the Institute states: “Terms such as ‘black sheep of the family’ have no direct link to skin colour but potentially serve to reinforce a negative view of all things black – Africans / soot / boot polish / thunderclouds / coal etc - and really do upset the ‘ethnic minority’ darker-hued members of the sheep flocks in general – especially innocent young lambs – more so than whispering “mint sauce” in their ear.

The term ‘black as night’ is also under fire but nobody can quite decide what to do with the centuries-old phrase as night is, by it’s very nature, and in grand Shakespearean form - dark to the point of absolute –erm - ‘blackness’.

Equally, certain terms imply a negative image of ‘black’ by reinforcing the illusionary but accepted positive aspects of white.
For example, in the context of being above suspicion, the phrases ‘purer than the driven snow’ and ‘whiter than white’ are often used.
This is to be now changed to the religiously-orientated ‘purer than pure’ - which might prove to be a slight problem where paedo’ Catholic priests are concerned.

Many institutions have urged their workforce to be mindful of “gender bias” in language. The Learning and Skills Council wants staff to “perfect” their brief rather than “master” it, while Smegmadale University has singled out the phrase “Master bedroom” as being problematic – especially so when visiting a Pro-Dominatrix for a botty-spanking discipline session where her boudoir would be termed the ‘Mistress bedroom’.

Candida Pratt, spokeswoman for the Plain English Campaign, told a reporter from the Semantics Gazette “Political correctness can have good intentions but things are being taken to an extreme by these Common Purpose clowns and the EU donkeys in Brussells. What is really needed is a bit of common sense – which so far seems to be institutionally lacking all round.”

However the latest edict to be issued by Brussels this evening states quite plainly that the children’s favourite schoolyard skipping chant of “Eeny-meeny miney mo – catch a nigger by the toe’ is definitely OUT!

Ladbrokes Bookies are at this time declining to give odds or take bets on the entire index of Aesop’s Fables and the contents of the English Book of Nursery Rhymes being banned from public readership by Brussels before the year is out – followed by a grand action replay of the Fascist Nazi book-buring bonfires of the mid-1930’s.

Do you call a spade a spade – even if it’s a shovel? Can you tell the difference between black and white? Is pink the new green? In the next release of the Star Wars trilogy what should we call the ‘Dark Side’ of the all-pervasive Cosmic Force – the ‘Bright Side’? Do you think the Sith are a bunch of cunts? Is Darth Vader really such a bad bloke?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a free copy of the EU’s Common Purpose ‘Numpty Guide to Political Correctness’.