Friday, 28 August 2009

Numpty News Roundup : August Edition

Controversy was still raging yesterday over the true ‘gender’ of South African athlete Caster Semenski after whinges and complaints from other competitors – the loser variety – in the Berlin World Athletics Championships – that she ‘runs like a bloke with a pair of bollocks’.

Semenski caused a bitter taste in competitor’s mouths after leaving her club-footed rivals trailing and going on to win the 800 meters gold medal in a time of 1:55.45.

Caster has stunned the athletics world with her boosted performances so far this season – prompting rumours and speculation that she’s on drugs or is really a guy – especially so after tests revealed her testosterone level to be three times higher than those normally expected in a female sample, according to a report in the Shitraker Sports News.

Only hours before the race it leaked out that the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) had demanded Semenski take a gender test amid complaints from other athletes she / he should not be allowed to run as a woman.

However IAAF staff physician Dr. Werner Fuctifino told Pox News “Caster possesses all the normal physical attributes of an 18-years old female – breasts, child-bearing hips and a vulva – and shows no evidence of having a pair of testicles. But I was slightly taken aback during her examination as I’ve never seen an erect six inch clitoris before.”


Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s Business Secretary, Lord Peter Scandalson – aka Vermin in Ermine – told media reporters he felt in ‘spiffing good form’ this morning after being discharged from St. Sodom’s Clinic for Latter Day Poofters following surgery to remedy a displaced prostate gland that was causing bladder problems.

As he left hospital Scandalson confided in one reporter from the Turd Burglar Gazette: "I’ve been really well looked after and had a jolly time – having things shoved up my bum by pretty male nurses - and am now back to pissing like a horse.”

To make a positive political point and avoid cross-party criticism Scandalson nixed private medical treatment and had the surgical procedure performed by the maligned NHS - which backfired when Jacko Scrunt, the Anarchists Party MP for Lower Scumdale, posited to the media “Yeah, Poofta Pete might be goin’ on the NHS but I’ll bet an effin’ fiver ‘e didn’t ‘ave ter wait fer six effin’ months ter get ‘is dodgy prostate fixed like the rest of us landless peasant types, eh?”

“My mate Frank woz in the A an’ E last Saturday night wiv a couple of stab wounds in ‘is chest wot ‘e got at the chippy an’ ‘ad ter wait til after lunch on Sunday fer a quack ter cum an’ stitch ‘im up – by which time ‘e’d lost fifteen pints of effin’ blood!”
“But yer get snobby upper-class government twats like Scandalson wot can’t take a piss so they get rushed inter ‘ospital an’ ‘ave an operation done an’ dusted before yer can say “Ow - that fuckin’ ‘urt!”

Prostate specialist nurse Fellattia Gulpington-Smythe of the St. Sodom’s Clinic ventured to Pox News “Benign prostatic hyperplasia is caused by a change in the hormone levels in men as they grow older, which makes the prostate enlarged – and is a very common condition in shirt-lifters like Lord Scandalson who have a natural proclivity for getting shagged up the arse by their Brazilian boyfriends.”

Royal Proctologist and international haemhorroid consultant Sir Peregrine Colonsky, who performed Scandalson’s surgery, is rumoured to have rebuked one reporter who accosted him on leaving the clinic for comment by declaring “Piss off you little twat – I’ve just spent the last two hours looking up an arsehole’s arsehole already!”


A pensioner who was hit on the head by a pineapple and a sack of assorted nuts while shopping intends to sue the supermarket for the ‘shirt off their back’ according to personal injury claims lawyer Sue Fleecem QC.

Rita Scrunt, a 96-year old widowed grandmother, was knocked to the floor by the items that tumbled on top of her when an upper shelf collapsed under the sheer weight of over-ripe discounted tat at the Smegmadale branch of a Grotty Grocer supermarket.

Mrs. Scrunt was medivac’d to hospital where she was later diagnosed with concussion and claims she has suffered brain damage since the incident occurred in June and can no longer remember to feed her goldfish.

She told a reporter from the Euthanasia Gazette "I woz in the cheapo veggies section lookin’ fer a discount cucumber ter keep me company in bed at night when ‘wallop’! - I gets ‘it on the back of the ‘ead wiv a right pile of old shit – pineapples, bags of chestnuts, and then the effin’ shelf as well. Didn’t ‘alf effin’ ‘urt too.”

Her lawyer Ms. Fleecem informed Pox news : "Mrs. Scrunt is suing for compensation on the basis that the Grotty Grocer supermarket negligently stacked the pineapples and bags of chestnuts on a top shelf that was not structurally strong enough to support the load.”

"As she is still suffering from recurrent headaches and the brain damage factor we shall be seeking several hundred thousand pounds in compensation under the statutes of the Brussels EU 2003 Unsafe Fruit and Nuts Act – which might even gain media notoriety as the actual Fruit and Nut Case."


The US army officer convicted for his part in the notorious My-Oh-My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War has offered his first public apology, according to a report in today’s Hypocrites Gazette.

"There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel pissed off for not shooting out the CCTV cameras first – then the platoon’s do-gooder grassers and born-again Christian snitches," Lt William Calley told the audience of mercenaries he was addressing at the Mousecock NC headquarters of the Blackwater Xe private military security group .

Calley, now 96, was convicted on 220 counts of cold-blooded premeditated murder for the 1968 massacre of 5000 men, women and children in Vietnam – although he insisted that he was only following State department orders to ‘snuff the gooks’.

At the time of the killings the US troops had been on a five day bender downing gallons of cold Budweiser, smoking bongs of grass and shooting up on top grade heroin.

Although the enemy was nowhere to be seen the US soldiers of Good Ole’ Charlie Brown Company rounded up unarmed civilian peasants and gunned them down for looking suspiciously Vietnamese.

Calley was sentenced to life in prison for his role in the killings in 1971 until career scumbag Henry Kissinger advised US President Richard Nixon to commute his sentence to three weeks house arrest – on compassionate grounds.


The UK news gets blown out of all proportion once again in an attempt to distract the gullible peasantry from the fact the Taliban are winning the war in Afghanistan - and both global warming and the Oinkyitis swine flu are big scams.

This time around the distraction is centred on TV coverage reports - backed by both the broadsheet and tabloid gutter press - castigating Libyan nutcase leader Colonel Gaddafi for welcoming Lockerbie bombing dupe Mohammed al Patsy back home after his release from a UK top security jail for medical reasons after contracting colonic cancer following years of a Scottish prison food diet.

Mohammed al Patsy was found guilty in 2001 of blowing up Pan Am flight 103 in December 1988 over Scotland and sentenced to 20 years in prison, while Libyan co-conspirator Lee al Harvey and Swiss businessman Achmed bin McVeigh were acquitted due the lack of planted evidence.

However Libyan leader Gaddafi has defied strong criticism from the UK and the US by meeting the 105-years old Mohammed al Patsy on Libyan TV’s Gaddafi channel where the pair were shown embracing and exchanging anti- British jokes.

The Scottish Government freed the terminally-ill Al Patsy on compassionate grounds, stating “The man has suffered enough for his fabricated crimes – he’s been living on a diet of porridge and haggis for nearly 9 years now.”

Meanwhile Cabinet spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gobble denied claims that Mr Al Patsy was released to secure trade deals with Libya even though the prisoner’s parole immediately follows Lord Scandalson’s holiday visit to the Rothshite family’s Sodomists Paradise villa in Corfu where he was seen cuddled up to Gaddafi’s bloated faggot son, Seif al-Islam and discussing the contractual rights to the 44 billion barrels of low sulphur crude oil as yet untapped on Libyan territory.

However UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede, going into one of his habitual denial modes, rejected suggestions the Labour government had pushed for Al Patsy’s release to improve relations with Libya - and kissing Gaddafi’s spotty arse - so they could get their hands on the oil as "a slur on both myself and Gordon Brown".

Conversely Gaddafi Junior told Libya's Al Wattatwat TV channel "In all commercial contract discussions for oil and gas with Britain, Mohammed Al Patsy’s release was always the loose pawn on the negotiating table."

As Ghengis McTwat, political corespondent for the Daily Shitraker commented in his column today “If New Labour’s got a dirty deal to be done, then Scandalson will have his sticky little power-greedy fingers in it somewhere.”


Over 90% of the UK’s family doctors – and nurses – and the effin’ public at large - don’t want to be innoculated against this coming Autumn’s predicted Sneezy Pig ‘Porcinella’ swine flu pandemic with the all-new Novartis ‘Grunt-Gone’ mass euthenasia toxic vaccine – or any other Baxter-type dodgy injectable prophylactic crap.

GPs will be first in the line for the jabs when they become available but many will say ‘stuff it’, even though they shall be mandated to offer the dodgy poisonous adjuvant-laden vaccine to their patients.

More than two thirds of the GPs who intend to turn the jab down believe it has not been tested enough and they’re personally putting their well-being and lives at risk.

Further an overall majority believe the WHO declaration of an ‘extinction level’ global flu pandemic has turned out to be more at scent than substance and that the vaccine is not meant to cure but further infect and compromise people’s immune systems – and all to service the vast financial profits of big pharma’ corporations.

Last night Government experts – who are wholly unqualified to comment on matters medical - criticised GPs who decide not to have the jab, saying they will put vulnerable patients needlessly at risk if people start thinking for themselves and follow the doctor’s common sense examples.

A week ago, a poll of nurses showed that two-thirds would turn down the opportunity of being vaccinated against swine flu – with the remaining third only agreeing to the jab on the offchance it did make them horribly sick with MS or deadly Guillain-Barre Syndrome brain disease so they could file a substantial mega-bucks personal injury claim and retire to a cosy tropical location – far from the oversight and control of the EU lunatics gang.

News that medics are unconvinced by the need for a vaccine is expected to cause grave concern to patients who will be invited for the jab over the next few months – but on the other hand strengthening the government’s argument that is it necessary to declare martial law and forceably vaccinate the reluctant peasantry whether they like it or not – for someone’s eventual good.

A poll of UK doctors by the Mass Euthenasia news weekly found that 91 per cent would reject the vaccine with the remaining 9 per cent stating they couldn’t give a flying fuck if they caught Mad Pig Disease or not.

In contrast Professor David Slimebury, the Department of Health's director of immunisation and CEO of Noravrtis – the vaccine manufacturer - while denying any conflict of interest - told Global Kill magazine that frontline health workers had a duty to themselves - ‘and the stupid public’ - regarding vaccination.
'They have a duty to do what we in government tell them, and not to infect their patients with Oinkyitis swine flu - plus they have a further duty to sell our vaccines for a profit now we’ve gone and made bucket-loads of the shit.”


The house in which celebrated author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle lived while he attended university in Edinburgh in the 1860s was recently threatened with demolition to make way for one more ubiquitous 100-seat McDonalds Chew n Spew fast food bar.

However protesters and members of the Conan Doyle Society have appealed and won in their efforts to save Liberton Bank House under the charter of Heritage Britain by utilising the main structure as a museum filled with Conan Doyle’s works and memorabilia – and converting the adjacent buildings to an assisted living care residence for the elderly – which they intend to name – in keeping with the foundation stone of Conan-Doyle’s greatest creation - the iconic criminologist – 'Sherlock Homes'.

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