Tory Goons Now Accused of Sexism

A Conservative Party member has apologised after suggesting only attractive women should become MPs – the sincerity of which he proved by publicly performing acts of extreme penance - rubbing himself in ashes, wearing sackcloth and flagellating his worthless hide with a lead-tipped lash – in true public school deviant fetish fashion.

Bellend-on-Sea Conservatives Association chairman Armitage Shanks, 93, claims his comments were "tongue in cheek" and he thought the Channel Four ’Dickheads Hour’ interview was over - so could make gratuitous sexist remarks with impunity.

The association has been tasked by Big Dave with finding new parliamentary candidates for the town after MP Sir Peter Jiggers stood down during the recent expenses row.

Jiggers faced a barrage of righteous condemnation for claiming £1,645 on expenses for a floating duck island for his garden jacuzzi.
His gardening claims totalled £30,000 and he resigned at the direct request of party leader David Cameron – who told him, in a candid fashion – to rearrange the following words into a well-known phrase or saying – “Off – Fuck” – and not to collect £200 in expenses as he passed ‘Go’.

Shanks later told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker "Personally I don't have a hard and fast view one way or another if our candidate should be a man or a woman – but obviously a nice looking lass with sexy buns and a big pair of tits is always good for generating a few masturbation fantasies – and that’s what attracts the male votes.”

“However to accuse me of favouritism as I’ve thrown my support behind Ms. Fellattia Frigarotti as our candidate of choice just because she possesses the physical attributes I mentioned during the Dickheads Hour interview is wholly out of order.”

“Fellattia is superbly qualified for the post of Tory MP – ex-Roedean, honours degree in Political Science from Oxford, has a wind turbine in her living room, swings AC/DC sexually and believes gamarouche and sodomy are integral parts of a wife’s conjugal duties.”

”So, who in their right frame of mind is going to vote for some old porcine-featured baggage such as the menopausal Gorgons that New Labour have infesting their Parliamentary ranks like the witches from Macbeth – warts and all?”

Conversely New Labour’s Tessa Bowells, currently MP for Old Scrotum and Dorkwood, and acting Minister for the Cabinet Office, branded Mr. Shanks’ comments as ‘deeply offensive’ – informing the media "In the last two weeks we have seen Tories denying homophobia exists – and they’re all shirt-lifters - and now this blatant sexism."

“If the basic qualification for lady members of Parliament was Mr. Shanks’ chauvinist requirement that they be a blend of Playmate of the Month and Olga Korbut then where would that leave the country’s female political intelligencia possessed of lesser physical attributes, I ask you?”

Simple answer Tessa – queuing up at the Jobcentre with a stack of other pig-ugly broomstick merchants - just like yourself.