Thursday, 20 August 2009

Was Benny Ratflinger a Nasty Nazi?

The famous and controversial “I was never a Nazi – but sometimes played with the kids who were" quote from Pope Benedict XVI – Germany’s first pontiff since 1057 - is about to be called into question, according to deliberately leaked information concerning the plot of iconoclast Dangerous Dan Brown's new book.

The Lost Cymbals looks set to create a huge uproar across the entire Catholic world, with its allegations that far from not being a member of the Nazi party, Benny-boy was an enthusiastic Jew-baiter who, as a 12-year old at the outbreak of World War Two in 1939, played the cymbals in his local Bavarian Marktl am Inn chapter of the Hitler Youth brass band and celebrated the Blitzkrieg attack on Poland by breaking Mr. Shylock’s windows again – for the fourth time that week.

When he assumed the office of Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly the Inquisition - and twice as nasty) Benny had his Jesuit agents (the Vatican’s Men in Black) scouring the Bavarian Nördliche Kalkalpen (Alps) and travelling around Europe to wipe clean any records of his active Nazi past and locate the whereabouts of the missing Marktl am Inn brass band instruments – and specifically secure his personal cymbals engraved with the legends ‘Joey Ratflinger’ – Junior Gruppenfuhrer - along with the damning incised HYBB (Hitler Youth Brass Band) and the SS double-lightning bolt runes.

So Joseph Alois Ratflinger – now Pope Benny the all-new Mark XVI German built to last model – faces a possible career crisis if Brown’s fictitious novel does contain a scintilla of provable fact – and any provenance regarding the missing cymbals.

Vatican lawyers have been doing litigative somersaults and burning the midnight oil to prevent the publication of Dangerous Dan’s latest pot-boiler – all of which he has written to date seem to piss on the proverbial Catholic bonfire – to no avail.

Basing some semblance of truth on the issues of gossip, rumour and hearsay being leaked by printing staff at Knobhead & Doublecross publishers for a few pieces of silver, it seems fair to speculate that Brown’s book will again feature the principle character of Harvard University academic Robert Langdon.

In this adventure he apparently teams up with Dutch WW2 forensic musical instrument hunter Fellatia van der Gobble to track down the missing set of ‘Marktl am Inn’ brass band cymbals - which were reputedly wrapped in pages torn from the Hitler diaries and concealed in the coffin of the Masonic pro-Fascist Pope Pius XII – along with the Bormann Brotherhood and Odessa escape route maps, schedules and destinations for fleeing Nazi types travelling to South America via the Vatican.

Chief of the Vatican’s Swiss Cheese Guards Konrad Sniffler, a former cuckoo clock mechanic, informed a reporter from the Nihilists Gazette that "We are boosting security precautions to safeguard against what has become known as the 'Rosslyn Effect,'" referring to the chaos following the publication of Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code when Rosslyn Chapel in Scotland was deluged by grail seekers and treasure hunters looking for gold chalices that provide Immortality and getting the autograph of anyone directly related to Jesus.

Sniffler continued “We do not want hordes of idiotic fantasists trying to dig up our past Pontiff’s coffin to see if it contains the Hitler diaries and a pair of brass cymbals. This is all a Zionist – Islamic plot to destroy the foundations of the Petrine Rock and our congregation’s faith in the one true Church of God and herald in Armageddon. Dan Brown is the Anti-Christ.”

So perhaps two millenniums of abuse by parties of self-interest has now come full circle.
The Vatican, in its struggle for power, has never shown a single sign of being interested in the happiness or welfare of humankind and attempts to conceal a shameful catalogue of crimes that present a disgrace to civilization.

The Crusades, Persecution of Heretics / Inquisitions / Massacre of St. Bartholomew / Thirty Years' War / destruction of the Aztec and Inca civilisations / and a plethora of other crimes that wouldn’t fit on a commercial-sized bog roll if listed in a number 10 san serif font.

Perhaps God’s self-proclaimed Earthly agents have gone a step too far and Dangerous Dan’s latest iconoclastic book might well be the harbinger of their predicted demise as an institution of religious faith - that in recent years seems to be more crooked than the Mafia, staffed by paedophiles and once again run on nepotism, simony and sodomy.

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