Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Scandalson Targets Internet Download Piracy

Reliable tittle-tattle and rumour-based gossip circulating around the hallowed corridors of Shitehall in susurrant and conspiratorial whispers reports that Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s omnipotent Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson is preparing to declare war on teenagers – and anyone else and their dog – guilty of downloading music, games and movies from the internet - just days after dining with American faggot music billionaire Mervyn Gobbler.

Scandalson launched a crackdown on internet piracy directly after meeting the leading Hollywood critic of illegal file sharing – whose own record and entertainment companies rake in trillions of dollars annually from exorbitantly bloated CD and DVD prices.

The Vermin in Ermine Business Secretary, renown for having even less compassion than Torquemada, now plans to criminalise the estimated seven million people – mainly kids - who illicitly download music and films over the internet that they can’t afford to buy.

In what critics describe as a gross attack on civil liberties, those flouting new laws could see their internet accounts go tits up and face fines of £50,000 – for downloaded a freebie movie or CD track - with parents getting thrown off the net if their children are caught downloading files upstairs in their bedrooms – or basements – or gardens sheds - whatever.

Lord Scandalson ordered his lackeys to draw up the draconian regulations days after breaking bread with fellow-sodomite Mervyn Gobbler, who founded the Lunatic record label which signed such famous artists as Bob Slob, Sammy & the Shitstabbers, Frank Zapped, Bonio, the Cormorants and Jackson Greengage.

The pair dined on 7 August at the Rothshite zillionaire Zionist bankster family villa on Corfu, while Scandalson was holidaying – yet again - on the Greek island with his iffy deviant buddy and dynasty heir apparent – Old Etonian scumbag Nutty Natty Rothshite.

Tory backbencher David Dorkpuller speculated to a reporter from the Nepotism Gazette “As always, wherever Scandalson is concerned, such actions do seem a remarkable coincidence and he should be forced to reveal the full extent of his meetings with wealthy friends on holiday and, in the name of openness, disclose exactly what they discussed.”

“Otherwise this incident might well materialise into another corrupt favouritism issue like the one involving Georgie Osborne and Oleg Mobsaroubles in the Corfu Yachtgate brouhaha which ended up as a shit-throwing fight spread across the pages of the tabloid gutter press.”

Scandalson’s proposed controversial new laws, set to be announced in a 'Digital Britain' bill to be published this September, would target internet users who download music and films to avoid paying extortionate product costs and royalty charges.

Conversely former Digital Change Minister Tom Plonker is leading a campaign against the legislation, which is due to form a key plank of this autumn's Queen's Speech.
Writing in the Sunday Shitraker, Mr Plonker stated - with an emphasis on common sense and base logic reasoning that seem to have escaped Scandalson’s limited intellect - that those who ‘upload’ illegal content to the internet are the miscreants who should be targeted - and ‘not’ the downloaders.

Last week the Pirate Party, which won a Swedish European Parliament seat in June on a platform of legal file sharing, announced it would be standing in the next UK General Election.

Mr. Long John Silver, a disabled ex-seaman and leader of the Pirate Party UK, who will be standing against the Scumford Sands Labour MP Candida Muffrot, claims Scandalson’s proposed laws represented an attack on civil liberties.

Silver told a reporter from Pox News “Old Vermin in Ermine has been at it again – personal favours for parties of self-interest which will work for the benefit of the few and to the detriment of the many.”
“As usual, wherever Scandalson’s meddlesome influence-peddling hands have been something stinks in Denmark – and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.”

Ex-MP for Middlesex, outed transvestite Wentworth Scrunt, now the official spokesman for Lord Scandalson, claimed file sharing and illegal downloads were not discussed at the sphincter-stretching get-together with Messers Gobbler and Rothshite.

“Proposed legislation against illegal downloading has been going on for a matter of weeks and was not discussed over dinner in Corfu.”
“The main subjects of conversation – if you must know – was the best medication for suppurating haemhorroids and telling the difference between the taste of semen and mayonaisse.”

Conversely a source inside Scandalson’s business department who spoke to the Sunday Shitraker on conditions of anonymity (Rupert Snitch) revealed “Until the past week Scandalson had shown zero interest in the Digital Britain agenda.”
“Suddenly Petey baby returns from his holiday with Nutty Natty and effectively issued this edict that the regulation needs to be tougher and target all downloaders.'

Yesterday a poll for the prestigious government publication – the 'Shitehall Scumbags Review’ - showed that Lord Scandalson was emerging as a favourite to succeed the hapless Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown as Labour leader.

Scyophantic party members place him second - behind David Millipede - as their choice. However, knowing Scandalson’s deviant sexual proclivity, having him hovering behind you is definitely not a favourable position to be in – regardless of back-stabbing – as an opportunity might well present itself wherein Millipede has occasion to bend over.

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