Sunday, 16 August 2009

UK Gone Mad – Officially Acknowledged

In response to Tory criticism that the UK’s school exam system has been dumbed down to a moronic level - and that league tables are partly to blame – resulting in kids leaving school sans any qualification certificates whatever, Children’s Secretary Ed Ballsup and the Ministry of Education examinations board are now offering a certificate for simply catching a bus - with the recipients insisting the £20,000 scheme is worthwhile.

Chantelle McSlagg, a 15-year old mother-of-three and a trainee yobette from Scumford in Greater Manchester, received the AQA 'qualification' for completing a three-week summer programme.

Students of Scumford Council's youth service are given the award for passing the Using Public Transport unit - which simply requires candidates to walk to a bus stop and get on a vehicle as they’re graded too stupid to do much else.

But while both Chantelle and her mum Slutsy described the certificate as "barmy", they stressed that the project is "fantastic value for money" and don't want it to be scrapped – especially because of the ‘form filling’ segment which teaches the teenagers how to complete applications for Jobseekers Allowance, DSS Welfare Benefits, Pension Credits - and also Perpetual Maternity Grants if girls can manage to stay pregnant until the age of 20.

After signing up for a student loan (in blood) and paying £9 for a three-week bus pass - cheaper than it would otherwise be - students can take part in free fun activities such as ‘Hunt the Paedo’ where a group are presented with a copy of the local sex offenders register then go round to their addresses, break all the windows and give them a good kicking.

Further opportunities include joining in community projects like the BNP’s Vigilantes-Go scheme and setting fire to Albanian pikey caravan squats - or one of the Scavvies R Us ventures spending a few days rooting for semi-precious tat on the local landfill sites under expert West African guidance.

The scheme serves 900 children in the area at a cost of £20,000 but, at just over £20 a child, it is valued in the community as yet another certificate of personal achievement to add to their deficient CVs.

Chantelle’s Mum, Slutsy, told Pox News Online: "Anyone wot sees kids goin’ on that scheme knows it's a good idea like cos they’re learnin’ all kinds of shit wot they can use ter earn a few quid honest-like – an’ not ‘ave ter go floggin’ their golly’s or pushin’ drugs an’ endin’ up in the clink."

How to Get a Bus Certificate :

1. Walk to the local bus stop;
2. Stand or sit at the bus stop and wait for the arrival of a bus;
3. Enter the bus in a calm and safe manner;
4. Be directed to a downstairs seat by a member of staff;
5. Sit on the bus and observe through the windows;
6. Wait until the bus has stopped, stand on request and exit the bus.

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