Saturday, 1 August 2009

Feminist Risks Forty Lashes for Wearing Pants

A Sudanese woman who is due to appear in court in Khartoum says she faces up to 40 lashes for wearing trousers – which has offended the chauvinistic and retarded sensibilities of the country’s Mutaween religious police - who only wear skirts themselves.

The woman, Ms. Sapphie al Dildodo - a former journalist who now works for the United Nations Lesbian Equality Mission - has invited journalists and observers to the numpty dumpty Sharia Law trial.

She was arrested in a restaurant in the capital with other women earlier this month for wearing what bonkers Mutaween police described as "indecent" clothing – a pair of full length black pants.

Ms. Dildodo told a reporter from the Dark Ages Gazette that ten of the women arrested, including non-Muslims, later each received fifteen lashes from a one-eyed old Mutaween pervert brandishing a lead-tipped desiccated camel’s tail - and a fine of 100,000 Qirush – approximately £3 - for their abhorrent offences.

However Ms. Dildodo and two other women, with balls bigger than most fuzzy-wuzzy Sudanese males, have shocked polite Sudanese society into full wake-up mode by demanding representation by a lawyer at their trials.

They have further printed 5000 invitation cards and sent out e-mails, declaring they wanted as many people as possible, including Amnesty International, the Red Cross, the European Court of Human Rights and the entire cast of the Muppet Show to attend her hearing on Wednesday.

Ms Dildodo claims she has done nothing wrong under Sharia law, but could fall foul of a paragraph in the antiquated Sudanese criminal law which forbids women to wear indecent clothing – which in this instance translates as a pair of pants - as her legs – although fully covered – can be distinguished as individual limbs – with a sexy foot attached to one end of each and a nice rotund pair of buttocks situated at the top.

"I want to change this law, because it doesn't match anything in the constitution," she told Pox News.
“We are living in a basket case country governed by archaic idiotic Sharia laws in which men wear skirts and women are not allowed to wear trousers – only the claustrophobic burkha – and I hate wandering around in a bedsheet.”

Exhibiting an odd out-of-character first for feminine rights the French government today declared in a statement to the Daily Shitraker that it "strongly condemned" the punishment of lashing the accused for wearing trousers that purportedly threatened the questionable values and virtue of Sudanese society.

"France is fighting for the abolition of cruel, inhuman or degrading punishment or treatment and is combating violence against women, and demands that the Sudanese authorities break off its prosecution of these people," the statement issued by jogaholic President Nicolas Teacozy warned.

Political insiders in Paris speculate that Teacozy is nonchalant about severing diplomatic relations with Khartoum and really after putting the human rights boot in over the incident due the Sudanese government’s refusal to licence French oil and gas drilling exploration projects in the south of the country in 2008.
Such a breaking of diplomatic ties could also result in an embargo of imports of French letters, snails, coq au vin and Roquefort cheese.

In a candid aside Teacozy later told reporters “What is wrong with these Muslim cleric types?”
“I adore a woman wearing the pants – Carla slips into a pair of crotchless black leather ones while I skip around her boudoir in a petite maid’s outfit doing some light dusting and flower arrangements and she flicks at my exposed buttocks with a riding crop.”

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