Thursday, 13 August 2009

Numpty Dumpty News Roundup

Great Train Robber Ronnie Piggs has been granted release from prison on compassionate grounds, to enable him to attend his own imminent funeral, according to Justice Secretary Jumping Jack Flash.

Piggs was sentenced to several centuries in prison for doing what RattleTrack, Worst Crapital and other National Rail operating franchises have been getting away with Scot free for years since the idiotic Beeching Plot was implemented and the iconic British Rail industry went the way of the Dodo before it.

And what was he actually guilty of? Knocking off a mere couple of million quid, escaping from prison and playing Lucky Lucan class hide and seek games with Scotland Yard’s finest plods for the next couple of decades.

Piggsy was on the run for more than 30 years after escaping from prison on the back of Shergar, living in Australia disguised as a kangaroo and later moving to Brazil where he impersonated an Arab electrician, before returning to the UK in 2001 to claim his pension and NHS-free prescriptions and a long-term bed and breakfast offer at HM Bellend Prison.

2) Italian police are investigating the theft of some $100 million in cash, genital jewellery, sex toys, sheep’s eyeballs, drums of low sulphur oil, uranium cheesecake and the personal collection of desiccated foreskins from the wall safe of a Saudi princess staying on the Italian island of Sardinia.

The thieves used a D8 Caterpillar bulldozer to gain entry to her luxury villa in Porto Ripoff before tearing the safe from the wall according to Pox News and local media reports in the Mafiosa Gazette.

Baffled police forensic experts investigating the crime informed reporters that the safe had ‘disappeared – along with the wall.

Officials have not named the royal (Princess Shufty al Bint) but say Italian and Saudi diplomats have had ‘strong words’ about the incident.

"The thieves used a bulldozer parked in the villa’s grounds for work on the new swimming pool. They struck in the evening while the Princess was at the local casino with her Italian stallion gigolo toy boys,” Police Inspector Guido Fuctifino informed the press.

The villa is located in one of the most chic resort areas on the Italian island - famous for its tinned sardines.
While insurance fraud and shoplifting crimes are common among wealthy Arab kleptomaniac tourists – and especially Saudi royals with more money that fucking sense, it is not suspected that this robbery was perpetrated as an insurance scam.

3) In the latest idiotic report just released by the UK’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, statistics have been conjured and juggled to indicate that people are happier as they get older and have to survive on a pittance of a pension - plus depend on prosthetic devices to see, eat, hear, walk – and even keep their heart ticking.

However the survey, carried out by younger types, claims people are happier as they grow older despite worries about ill health, zero income, changes in social status and bereavements, and later life tends to be a golden age, according to the Propaganda Gazette.

They found older adults generally make the best of the time they have left and have learned to avoid stressful situations like talking to call centres or help lines in Dehli or trying to get sense out of government bureaucracies in general.

The UK is now reckoned to be an ageing nation - in less than 25 years one in four people will be over 65 and the number of over-85's will have doubled – plus it’s expected there will be 30,000 people aged over 100 by the year 2030 – if this Autumn’s engineered Sneezy Pig swine flu epidemic – or the toxic anti-flu vaccine - doesn’t decimate the oldie’s ranks first.

By reviewing the available data on emotions and ageing filed in the Geriatrics Gazette archives the study found that mental wellbeing generally improved with age except for the 95% of the over-sixties with good old Alzheimer’s or dementia-related ill health – commonly referred to by doctors as BDS (Brain Dead Syndrome).

The study further states, regardless of evidence to the contrary, that oldies in general are overjoyed New Labour have bumped up the minimum retirement age to 80 so they can carry on working, maintain active lives and continue paying exorbitant income taxes.

Mrs. Candida Twatrot, a 95 year old Granny and part time coal heaver told Pox News “I buried all me stupid effin’ kids years ago - they died from the effects of binge drinkin’ an’ snortin’ crystal meth’ – so all I gotta do is look after meself now.”

4) A Jeddah-based Pox News TV station has been shut down after it broadcast an interview with a Saudi man boasting explicitly about his sexual conquests - with women, boys and goats – during the Children’s Hour viewing slot.

Saudi Arabian authorities said the TV station had been shut by order of the country's deputy Prime Minister – Sheikh Abdul al Killjoy – who apparently suffered a massive sense of humour failure after viewing the interview.

The 95-year-old Saudi man's interview shocked conservative Saudi society to the very core, prompting calls for him to be arrested and punished by the Saudi fascist religious police – the mad muttering Mutaween – under the edicts of Sharia law.

Mohammad bin Mohammed, a former flying carpet mechanic, talked about his sexual conquests and how he picked up catamites and loose women around Jeddah’s bazaars – and took his lascivious pick of sexy goats from the weekly livestock markets.

He was arrested for "publicising vice" after he spoke about his experiences humping ‘halal pussy’ and displayed sex toys at his home in Jeddah, and bragged about how he first had sex with a neighbour’s dog when he was 14.

While Saudi Arabia is not only the most hypocritical society in the Arab world, it likes to portray itself as the most conservative – hence why wealthy Arabs and Saudi royalty all sneak off to the States, London and Europe – or the fleshpots of Asian - to gamble, get pissed and screw around - shagging expensive white whores at £10,000 a go.

Conversely if landless peasant types get caught breaking the Dark Ages nation’s strict Islamic code they face punishment – floggings, stonings or imprisonment - for drinking or pre-marital sex.

While these rules are flouted by locals and expatriates alike, everyone who breaks the rules keeps discreetly quiet about it and doesn’t purposely stick their neck in a noose.

So, facing a sentence of fifty lashes for promiscuous behaviour, corruption of minors and engaging in pre-marital sex with farmyard animals Mr Mohammad bin Mohammed now claims it was all a put-on and he was only boasting.

However, under the numpty dumpty Wahhabi brand of funda-mental Islam and Sharia law – coupled with a gourmet’s touch of Catch 22 - while the above offences are usually punished by fifty lashes, acts of mendacious boasting over one’s sexual exploits carry a mandatory sentence of 100 lashes.

Nice one Mohammad – yer should have phoned a friend on this one.


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