Early to Bed in Labour’s Nanny State

Children’s Secretary Ed Ballsup announced today yet another of New Labour’s novel money-wasting schemes to the press and set out his £400 million plans to put 200,000 problem families under 24-hour CCTV supervision in their own homes - in what many consider a futile bid to change their hereditary mongrel bad behaviour.

However Ballsup and Co in Shitehall still don’t seem to have grasped the simple message of the time-proven adages that you can’t make furniture out of firewood – or the fact you can’t educate pork.

Basket case families will be monitored to ensure that children attend school occasionally – or at least play with the kids that do - go to bed before breakfast and sober – and don’t order doorstep delivery booze from Plonk Online with their parent’s Alkie-Cash welfare benefit cards.

This will literally create a steroid-boosted nanny state, with social services goons and private security dildos from Renta-Thug given the authority to make regular “home checks” to ensure parents are raising their children correctly – or that the kids haven’t snuffed them over non payment of pocket money.

Parents, if found alive, will be given help to combat drug and alcohol addiction by having their thumbs wired together behind their backs for a week at a time and be tube-fed Pukesbury’s muesli and yak's yoghourt.
Around 2,000 families have gone through these Family Intervention Projects so far – with an overall success rate of absolutely zero percent.

Sin Bin projects operate in half of Sink or Swim council areas already but Big Ed Ballsup wants every local authority to fund them, informing a reporter from the Buck-Passers Gazette “I’m demanding Family Intervention Projects in all local authority zones because every area has families that need real leg-iron and crutch support and we intend to stick the costs onto the council tax bills of functional households and families with jobs to fund the brain-dead 'Shameless' segments of our society.”

But Tory Shadow Minister for Excessive Adjectives Use, Rupert Dorkfelt, told Pox News “This is all much too little, by far, and much too late to be much good.
“This Government has been in power for more than a decade during which time anti-social behaviour, family breakdowns and problems like school expenses abuse and truancy have just got worse and worse – and worse - and even infected MPs in the House of Conmans.”

Nope, you aren’t reading a passage from Franz Kafka’s The Trial, George Orwell’s 1984 or Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World – or the BD/SM section of the classified pages from the Beano or Dandy.
This is Great Britain 2009, a country which already has more surveillance cameras watching its population than the rest of the known Universe put together.

Another key feature of Ballsup’s program will be the Super Snitch aspect – which will see parents deemed “responsible” by the government duly handed the power to denounce and report incompetent parents in their neighbourhoods who allow – to the point of criminal culpability - their children to engage in rudeness or bad behavior – such as wiping their nose on next door’s cat or telling firemen extinguishing their latest wheelie bin arson attempts to go to blazes.

These pariah families will then be targeted for “interventions” – a bit like Pol Potty did in Cambodia – and Stalin and Mao with their efficient little Gulags and Laogai – or the Nazis with their Happy Aryan Holiday Camps – plus a hundred other insane despots before – and after them - in establishing their totalitarian states.

Believe, though it stretches the boundaries of credibility, what this gang - hatched out of Brussels - have planned for the UK and Europe will make the shenanigans and genocides of Atilla the Hun and Ghengis Khan look like the antics of the Wombles of Wimbledon Common.

Monty Scrunt, (7 O-Levels / 3 A-Levels and more degrees than a thermometer) spokesman for the Teenage Yobs-R-Us Power Union – which represents chavs and hoodies and other disaffected and marginalized sub-culture youth groups - informed Pox News that Ed Ballsup’s totalitarian scheme completely violates Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights & Wrongs (Human Rights & Wrongs Act 1998).

Scrunt further questioned “Has this minister – or his lackies - even done any basic homework on human rights and civil liberties? Or rather they’ve just decided to completely ignore them as they did in Afghanistan and Iraq – and a hundred other little hapless shitholes around the world that they get their grasping materialistic fingers into to steal their mineral resources.”

“I mean, why bother, we’re all gonna be dead from the Super Oinkyitis Sneezy Pig flu in a couple of months anyway – or in a concentration camp for refusing the vaccine – so who gives a flying shite.”