Saturday, 29 August 2009

UK Plods Stoop to Robbing Cars

While there’s nothing unusual about discovering items of value have been stolen from unlocked (or locked) parked cars – including the actual car wheels or engine – or the car itself – by opportunist thieving Pikey scallies during the deepening recession, it may well come as a bit of a surprise to learn the 'culprit' was a member of your local Plod Squad.

Officers at Smegmadale-on-Sea, on the UK’s tropical south coast, are entering unlocked cars to remove valuables, like handbags, diamond necklaces, gunny sacks filled with £20 notes - or laptops, then leaving a note for the driver to say ‘Ello, ello, ello – look what we’ve just nicked!”

Police Supt Rudyard Fuctifino admitted, "Technically we are guilty of break-in and entry” - but in typical holier-than-thou bureaucratic fashion he denied his plods were breaching any law – simply preventing crime by removing temptation’s source.

Conversely a leading personal injury claims barrister Sue Fleecem QC told one reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette that plods could face civil proceedings for trespass if any items taken by them were damaged.

The new tactic, launched last month under the latest directive from the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, is aimed at tackling thefts from cars in the Smegmadale-on-Sea resort area - which rose by 40% since Christmas - until the beginning of August when the local police took over the car snatch trade from the Scallies-R-Us Gang.

However Supt Fuctifino has vehemently denied the veracity of reports that his officers have been observed actually using a crowbar to force a car boot or open a passenger door or sun roof – regardless of CCTV footage to the contrary.

Fuctifino told Pox News “My officers on patrol are only targeting unlocked cars with valuable items on display. They try to contact the owner, failing which they remove the item and leave a note for the driver to retrieve it from our central police station.” (for a small donation / facilitation fee of £20)

Conversely Mrs. Chlamydia Twatrot told reporters she came out of a local Townswomen’s Guild meeting to find her entire stereo system – CD and digital radio – plus sat-nav – had been ripped out of the dash and stolen – along with her personal vibrating pocket rocket from the glove compartment – and an unopened bag of mint imperials.

“I went back into the meeting hall and got the security guard to replay the car park CCTV camera recording for the previous hour. Two of Smegmadale-on-Sea’s supposed ‘Finest’ came sneaking along – snooping inside the parked cars – then disabled the Mercedes’ alarm, crow-barred the door open and stole items various.”

“When I turned up at the police station to complain they claimed my car’s registration had popped up on a terrorist watch list and that’s why it was broken into – to search for weapons and explosive devices.”
“What a load of old rot – I’m going to be writing to my MP.”

Likewise Ms. Fellatia van der Gobble, a Dutch tourist, went to register a complaint with the police after her car was burglarised only to learn it was the Plod Squad themselves who were responsible – and was further issued with a caution for leaving high value items visible inside the vehicle that could well constitute a breach of the ‘enticement to commit a criminal act’ statutes by providing due cause for some hapless felon to break into said motor vehicle.

When Ms. van der Gobble protested that the only items visible were a half-eaten box of donuts and a bag of M & M’s the Duty Sergeant commented dryly “And very tasty too.”

At the opposing end of the ‘reasonable cause’ spectrum Jacko Scrunt, a trainee benefit cheat, was today acquitted following his arrested by the vehicle crime Plod Squad for copying their routine, after he explained to the magistrate’s court he was simply performing his public duty, much as the police were seen to be doing, by removing the items from ‘temptation’s eyes’ and leaving a note informing the vehicle’s owner which local pawn shop the sequestered goodies could be recovered from.

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