Sunday, 2 August 2009

Snitch Industry Unaffected by UK Recession

UK police forces paid out more than £16 million-plus in the past financial year to people with information on criminal activity – mainly criminals themselves - who grassed up their mates and / or the competition’s forces of darkness - according to a secret report leaked to the Sunday Snitch by disgruntled lower echelon plods.

London’s Metropolitan Police – governed by Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense - spent most at £15 million, followed by the Greater Manchester Plod Squad at £1,030,497 - with the Black and Tans Gestapo Service of Northern Ireland clocking up a massive £12:75p – plus an undisclosed amount of Grotty Grocer discount vouchers – believed to be valued in excess of £8:00 – dispersed over a period of several years to fallen Catholic stoolies and born-again Protestant rat finks.

The Masonic Association of Chief Police Officers posted on their Grassers-R-Us website that the system was "vital in bringing offenders to justice – and getting some ready – untraceable - cash flowing around the police service coffers in general – just like MP’s had for their dodgy expense claims in the House of Conmans.”

The above figures recently emerged - strangely enough - for the first time after a Freedom of Information request actually went through and was approved by mistake.

Individual police forces have long refused to go into specific detail of how dodgy funds – often derived from felonious sources – were spent, but say it was vital in tackling a whole range of criminal activity – such as treating the lads to their daily donuts, the odd pack of fags, and a short stress-reliever (one month expenses paid) break in the Bahamas – including someone else’s missus or a renta-bitch of their choice.

However, lucre aside, criminal informants can also be offered police help – cash free - to reduce or trade a potential prison term into an actual Monopoly-style ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card where they can clock up years off a possible future sentence for continued wrong-doings as long as they keep their Plod Squad handlers informed of on-going blags, political assassinations, major drug deals, kitty litter smuggling and white slavery etc.

So, yes, twisting the Ninth Commandment to your own intents and purposes and bearing false witness against your neighbour can be a profitable enterprise in this current economic depression.

Turn your limited knowledge of third-hand gossip and tittle-tattle innuendo into a recession-beating tax-free livelihood – with the end result possibility of being assigned to a fabulous life-change work-over witness protection programme and relocated to a remote Arctic – or desert - island of your own choice. Go on – be a Patriot – spill the beans.

Would you snitch on your Granny for twenty pieces of silver? How about thirty pieces - plus a fistful of Pukesbury’s Snob’s grocery line discount vouchers?
Fill in our online form below and grass up some hapless scallies in your area and we guarantee the cheque’s in the post.

Contact us today on and you could reserve a single occupancy cell – with a top floor scenic view – at one of the UK’s premier maximum security prisons.

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