Saturday, 15 August 2009

UK Roller Coaster Apes Final Destination 3

In a real-life enactment of the horror movie Final Destination 3 two carriages on a giant roller coaster ride collided at the UK’s Slagpool Pleasure Beach yesterday when one of them became jammed on the rails through an accumulation of pigeon shit and a total lack of maintenance and axle grease.

Three hundred people were injured when the second carriage crashed into the back of the first car on the ‘Shit Yer Pants n Scream’ ride last night. The bodies of riders were jettisoned out of both carriages in all directions – most of which mainly obeyed the laws of gravity and headed down to the ground level 100 feet below.

Up to 230 casualties were taken to Slagpool Victoria Hospital with facial, back and head injuries – among them a visiting coach tour of pensioners from the Jolly Geriatrics High Adventure Club.

Darlston Klunt, a spokesman for Blood n Guts Entertainment, apologised for the accident, informing one reporter from the Ambulance Chaser’s Gazette that "It's extraordinarily rare that we have an incident like this and it’s the first one since last week - when one of the wheels fell off the Waltzers and killed a group of Albanian pikey tourists.”
“Further it's very sad for us to realise that some people have been injured due our worn-out shithouse equipment and we wish them a very speedy recovery – especially the ones in the mortuary."

A Slagpool Hospital spokesman informed Pox News this morning "Fifty of the two hundred-plus patients have been moved from Intensive Care down to the Post Mortem department but the rest of the riders are still in recovery wards – some with serious injuries – and one man might require surgery to reattach his head to his neck."

The ‘Shit Yer Pants n Scream’ roller coaster ride was constructed in 1820 to celebrate the coronation of the Prince Regent – George IV, and has a track length of 3,295 feet with a maximum speed of 350 mph – when not colliding with faulty jammed carriages.

Madame Fate might play cruel tricks for the 230 casualties of the collision but for Vinny McScrunt, a 16-year old apprentice yob, She had a surprise in store. McScrunt was in the front of the second car when it impacted, and being a total knobhead didn’t have his safety harness fastened.

Hence the impact hurled him forward and out of the carriage some three hundred feet where he landed in the vacant mid-section seats of the adjacent Kamikaze Corkscrew ride on its final downhill run.

McScrunt, who survived the ordeal without a scratch on him, told a reporter from Pox News “What an effin’ rush – two rides fer the price of one – plus flyin’ through the effin’ air like Superman. Brilliant – I’m goin’ back there next week”

Rumours of sabotage to the ride’s tracks by Jolly Jihad militant Muslim types are being investigated by Slagpool’s domestic terrorism Plod Squad and several homes were targeted in pre-dawn raids. Police claim four Muslim men have been arrested and a quantity of smoked bacon and two kilos of pork sausages seized from a freezer at one house.

Were you or any of your family or friends involved with the ‘Shit Yer Pants n Scream’ roller coaster ride collision? Did watching the CCTV footage of the collision on Pox News leave you personally traumatised and unable to sleep without massive doses of barbiturates and booze?
If so you can contact us at Fleecem & Fleecem - personal injury lawyers - and pick up a few tax-free quid to beat off the recession.

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