Sunday, 2 August 2009

New Scots Ale Brew Bought by NASA

Premier Scottish brewery SpewDog, owned by the McTwat clan, has been branded "irresponsible" by child minder groups and Mothercare after launching what it said was the strongest beer in the known Universe.

With an 18.2% abv (alcohol by volume) content, a 330ml bottle of ‘See You Jimmy’ lager, concocted by highland brewery SpewDog, contained sixteen units of alcohol – five times the recommended daily limit for elephants and more than NASA use to fuel their Space Shuttle booster rocket packs.

The company insist the beer's high quality would help tackle the country's binge-drinking culture by having teenage yob pissheads on their arses and unconscious after a single bottle and hence incapable of causing trouble or drunken brawls.

But Alcohol Focus Scotland chief executive Jack Scrunt branded the argument posed by management at SpewDog’s Pisspots brewery at Culloden-on-the-Loch as ‘effin’ barmy’ if they believed 18.2% abv beer would help solve Scotland's alcohol problems – which were usually hereditary and manifested while children were attending kindergarten.

The brewing company's latest product uses Jamaican jasmine, Croatian cranberries, Hungarian hops, Moldavian malts and Albanian swans wings, and is then fermented with a champagne yeast, mouldy sporrans, and haggis brains to make the high alcohol content that can take the paint off the side of a Glasgow double decker bus.

A bottle of the beer will be priced at £9.99 – far beyond the reach of school children’s pocket money and further calculated to knock a big hole in a chav’s jobseeker’s allowance.

SpewDog’s octogenarian founder Ghengis McTwattie - a man who takes a pride in looking good in a skirt - informed a reporter from the Alkies Gazette that "Mass-market, industrially-brewed lagers and ales are so bland and tasteless that ye soaks ‘em up like human blotting paper.”

"We've been challenging people to drink less alcohol, and educating the palates of drinkers with progressive craft-brewed beers from our Macbeth witches recipes, which have an amazing depth of flavour, body and character. – and will definitely burn yer livers and brains out if yer drink too much at a single sitting.”
“Just yer look at me fer instance.”

"The beers we brew at McTwats, including our 18% See You Jimmy, Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper class brews, are providing a cure to binge drinking because people fall flat on their proverbial arses after a single bottle."

The brewery ran into controversy again recently when UK drinks industry watchdog Dipsomania declared their Speedball drink should be withdrawn from sale until marketing procedures and labelling were changed due ‘speedballing’ being the name given to combining heroin and cocaine for a brain-blowing high.

SpewDog’s bottles of Speedball were rumoured to be a combination of high octane methylated spirits and decaffeinated creosote – spiked up with a gourmet touch of turpentine.

However SpewDog criticised the call by Dipsomania for retailers to remove their drink Speedball from the shelves.

Co-founder of SpewDog Brewery Hector McTwattie informed reporters "Dipsomania are completely outa their wee tiny heads. This is an extremely exclusive drink for beer connoisseurs which in the UK, had a release of 10,000 bottles and cost £8 a go.”

“Speedball is for those who enjoy a quality beer responsibly and love a premium drink at a premium price to provide a premium quality buzz - followed by a premium hangover."

Rumours that NASA have entered into negotiations with SpewDog to secure a licence to brew the ‘See You Jimmy’ lager in the US to fuel it’s spacecraft remain, as the presses roll, unsubstantiated.

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