Thursday, 6 August 2009

UK Troops Given 'Too Many Tasks'

The military mission in Afghanistan has failed to deliver what it promised - or was intended to achieve - as troops are being given too many tasks, according to a report from House of Conmans MPs – which further described the UK’s military presence there as a total fuck-up - and run like a Chinese fire drill.

The House of Conmans Foreign Affairs Select Committee says "Mission Creep" had actually involved a glut of ‘creeps’ and brought too many responsibilities, including protecting the drugs trade and running car boot sales so the troops could afford to buy their own body armour and mine-proof the Ministry of Defence’s Scrapheap Challenge Land Rovers.

Zero government planning, a lack of realistic strategy and clear direction of the mission’s purpose undermined the entire NATO fiasco, MPs informed a reporter from the Warmonger’s Gazette.

The Committee claim that British troops should focus solely on hunting down Taliban Dan and his al Qaeda nasties – and be ensuring their own security and not that of SOCAL’s numpty Trans-Afghan JihadGaz pipeline - or the opium crop harvests and heroin processing kitchens.

The report states British troop deployments to Bellend province were "undermined by a lack of planning at senior levels, poor co-ordination between Whitehall departments and crucially a failure to know which way was ‘up’ - and occasionally for the right hand to let the left hand know what the fuck was going on.

Regardless of Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown’s idiotic declaration that the recent military actions were an ‘astounding success’ this is far removed from the actual truth.
British forces experienced the bloodiest month to date of their ‘Afghanistan experience’ in July, with 22 troops killed, scores wounded and hundreds shitting their pants during a four day round up of hard core Jihadist pre-school kindergarten truants.

Select Committee chairman and Labour MP for Old Scrotum, Candida Muffrot told the Sunday Shitraker many of the countries were not "pulling their weight" in the international coalition, highlighting how some had sent "handfuls" of troops - or none – like Switzerland - while others had simply sent boy scouts and girl guides.

"Certain nations have been taking serious casualties and are in areas where there are actually people with guns firing back – which we were never told to expect.”
“It’s all very well the Yanks with their Predator drones dropping smart bombs and firing missiles at weddings and funerals – they need to get their arses out of their prissy barracks and shed some blood like our squaddies.”

In the report Ms. Muffrot claims the UK had taken on a "poisoned chalice" by assuming a lead role in the counter-narcotics drive in partnership with the Afghan government – who, along with the CIA, were actually sponsoring and protecting the opium plantations – and running the drugs trade for their own benefit.

The report continued that the Afghanistan fiasco presented a "most critical and seminal moment" for the future of the NATO alliance as it was the first deployment outside its original and intended area of responsibility and involvement : the North Atlantic Zone.

In conclusion the report claims : "There is a real possibility that without a definite strategy agreed and adhered to by all NATO combatants involved then its reputation as a military alliance, capable of undertaking overseas operations, will become a bigger standing joke and laughing matter than it is already.”

Afghan President Hamid (watch yer pockets) Karzai, interviewed by the Warmonger’s Gazette, opined on NATO’s military strategy to date that he’d “Seen better organised riots.”

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