Wednesday, 12 August 2009

‘Justice for Wilbur’ Blog Want Snake Ban

It may well strike some Northerners as incredible but a ginger minger moggy was recently eaten alive by a 13 foot-long Burmese python in a Bristol garden.
However for the people of Bristol this is simply another daily occurrence of what once were tropical predators now being part of the general fauna environment as climate change and global warming usher in their Apocalyptic migrating presence.

A class of kindergarten age children attacked and eaten by a leap of leopards - an 85-year old granny mauled by a polar bear – the local allotments ravaged by sub-Saharan locusts – a swarm of killer bees enraged by mobile phone mast electronic radio frequency pollution invade a Greedy Grocer supermarket and snuff scores of shoppers.

This is the state of the ‘Torrid Zone’ south of England today – not some futuristic science fiction scenario – so perhaps we should have listened to that boring clot Gore and ridden a pushbike more often – like Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense.

But for Wilbur the rangga tomcat no amount of carbon credit cap and trade exchange hypothetical brouhaha or semantics can alter the fact he is currently going through the digestive system of a four meter plus python – not in its natural habitat in the Burmese jungle – but a Bristol back garden.

Wilbur was apparently out and about – coursing through the neighbouring gardens hunting for his favourite field mice snackies or a distracted worm-pecking sparrow when his owner, Mrs Candida Muffrot of 26 Hippopotamus Crescent, heard a full pitch howl of feline terror and commented to her husband Mort “That sounds like our Wilbur gettin’ squeezed to death by a python.”

Mrs Muffrot explained to a reporter from the Constrictors Gazette that “We woz searchin’ high an’ effin’ low then Wilbur’s blood-curdlin’ screams stopped an’ it woz the next mornin’ when we got the RSPCA to help that we found the python in a neighbour’s garden – all curled up wiv a big cat-shaped lump in its guts - sleepin’ off his previous day’s meal – my tomcat.”

“Anyways the daft old git wot lives there comes out an’ sez ‘wot’s goin’ on like – wot yer doin’ wiv Monty – me python?” So the RSPCA bloke tells him the snake’s eaten our cat and runs the domestic pet microchip scanner along the snake an’ it registers our Wilbur’s ID number – that’s when I pissed me knickers and spewed me Weetabix up.”

The neighbour, a certain Mr. Costas Fuctifino, an Albanian pikey immigrant, told the RSPCA officer that the python didn’t actually belong to him – it had simply turned up one afternoon and squatted there – much like himself – and was apparently quite partial to the odd cat or terrier.

Mr. Fuctifino explained “I woz on der bog takin’ me regular weekly dump when I hears this howlin’ noise wot sounded just like a cat getting’ crushed and swallowed by a snake – but I never thought it woz Monty snuffin’ a neighbour’s moggy."

Mrs Muffrot commented to Pox News “The RSPCA woz goin’ to give the pikey bloke a verbal warnin’ an' a caution about the snake but he told them to go and eff’ off and take the effin’ python with ‘em.”
“Anyways they reckon if owt like this happens again, the snake will get prosecuted – and end up behind bars – for what good that’s gonna to do wiv a snake."

Wilbur´s bereaved owners are now campaigning for a change in the law regarding itinerant / ownerless rogue snakes and have set up a special website called Justice for Wilbur to help get their message across.
Further, they intend petitioning 10 Downing Street to introduce the "Wilbur Amendment" as pythons are not covered by the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976 even though they can kill humans – as well as tomcats.

One mischievous post on the Justice for Wilbur website claims a gang of field mice stood around the sleeping python laughing and declared “That ginger minger twat Wilbur’s got his at last – Yeah !!”

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or ginger minger tomcats were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

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