Sunday, 23 August 2009

Haggis more English than Scots

The proverbial excrement hits the rotating wind generator north of the border with the ever-surly Scots up in arms at suggestions that the earliest recorded haggis recipe was published in an English nun’s cookbook almost several hundred years before any evidence of the dish existed in Bonny Scotland itself, according to yet another idiotic academic study just published by food historian Candida Muffrot on behalf of the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money.

Dr. Muffrot claims she found her earliest references to the dish inside a 1235 AD convent text called ‘Ye Olde English Potty Foods Booke’.
Hence the title definitely pre-dates Robbie Burns' 1786 poem ‘Ode Tae a Dead Haggis’, which brought fame to the delicacy, by several centuries.

But former world champion haggis maker Ghengis McTwat – owner of the Loch Ness-based ‘McTwattie’s Queer Highland Foods’ - insisted: "It may be fact an’ it may well be true, but no fucker or their dog are ever going to believe it."
“Typical of the bleeding English – they nick all our oil and now they want to claim they invented the wee haggis too – Sassenach gits.”

Dr Muffrot informed Pox News that the convent text’s author, a certain Sister Sapphie Dildodo, made it quite clear haggis was a regular part of the English staple diet and not simply a Sunday or festive treat.

She claims "It was popular in England until the middle of the 17th Century when we believe people actually discovered it was all odd bits and pieces of dead animals stuffed in a sheep’s scrotum – with the bollocks included – and the Regency-period English – being real picky spoiled bastards by that time - decided they didn't like it anymore.”
“However, the Scots, who we’re all aware will eat any old shite, took up the recipe as their national dish with gusto.”

Conversely Scottish National Party spokesman Angus McScrunt, Laird of the McScrunt clan, interviewed on the ‘See You Jimmy’ breakfast show, declared “Fer fuck’s sake – what next?”

“The very suggestion that our iconic Scottish haggis originated south o’ the border is nigh on akin ter the bleedin’ Arabs claimin’ ter have invented golf.”
“What the hell are the English gonna grab from us next? Tartan? Tossin’ the caber? Kilts? Sporrans? Highland Malt Whiskey? – or our very own Quaker Oats porridge?”

“Whatever – Robbie Burns wrote a famous ode to the wee haggis a coupla hundred years ago in appreciation of its merit, but I’ve never heard o’ Shakespeare or Wordsworth writing a sonnet or a poem about one.”

No comments: