TV Celeb’s Snuff Rivals to Boost Ratings

Police have accused the London-based Sky Crap Channel presenters of the TV show ‘Dos Scumbags’ of being principally involved in organised rhubarb trafficking and ordering gang-related killings to get rid of TV rivals on competing channels and boost their own show’s ratings.

Wussell Bland and Jonathan Woss are both former rejects from the BBC’s slapstick ‘Tosspots Show’ and later ITV’s catastrophic ‘Dog Wankers’ series, in which Bland played the critically-condemned part of a toilet brush and Woss blundered hopelessly along in the part of Jacko the Rag and Bone Man – juggling donkey stones and shouting “Does yer Mother want a rabbit?”

However both men today jointly stated to the Daily Shitraker that the accusations are an attempt by rivals to smear them and that there is no evidence or piece of material proof to back up the bogus Metropolitan police claims – or won’t be by the time the case gets to court.

Woss, who is also a local councillor for the south London borough of Slagpit Hamlets, was picked out of a line up of the usual suspects by 16-year old mother of three, Candida Muffrot, who states she personally witnessed Woss administer a ’good kicking’ to a geriatric Spanish waiter at a Torquay boarding house while Bland sexually assaulted the man’s grand-daughter via a mobile phone dogging session link.

Harry the Grass, a spokesman for Renta-Snitch, claims Bland and Woss are the celeb’ kingpins controlling a mega-bucks drug syndicate operating out of Slagpits Hamlets by the community’s Albanian pikey ethnic minority – who smuggle donkey-loads of high grade narcotic rhubarb from Kosovo into the UK disguised as bundles of firewood.

Harry further explained to Pox News “They started snuffin’ their opposition dealers first – then the killin’s led to knockin’ off celebs and presenters doin’ TV shows an’ shit for other channels.”
“Next they got this Dos Scumbags news an’ current affairs programme goin’ an’ started makin’ their own news ‘appen – when an’ where they wanted it to.”

“That’s about the time the plods turned up an’ caught the film crew and Woss dousin’ a group of ‘omeless banksters in gasoline and settin’ fire to ‘em – then blamin’ it on a gang of skinheads.”

Chief Superintendent Walter Fuctifino of the Met’s elite Plod Squad told the media “Our lad’s would get a call about a drugs heist or an arson attack or a robbery or a gang-related murder and when they turned up on the scene there were TV news camera crews and reporters already on site before them – and every time it was the same crowd from the Dos Scumbags programme with Bland and Wossy taking it in turns to do the Frontman / Anchorman routines.”

“Next thing we know there’s celeb’s and TV personalities going tits up and getting snuffed all over the place – and always from another channel that posed some form of competition to their Dos Scumbags show.”

“Then, to cap it all, Noel Edmonds cops it in the neck right on his own Deal or No Deal show when the jackpot box gets opened and it’s been booby-trapped with Semtex and the whole caboodle goes “Ka-Boom!”

“We reckon those two vermin did Richard and Judy in as well – and Bono - but that’s been put down to justifiable homicide in both cases.”