Friday, 7 August 2009

Churchill’s Sofa gets Big ‘Oh Yes’

A tatty leather sofa, rumoured to have belonged to Winston Spencer Churchill when he was Prime Minister, was saved from a rubbish skip earlier this month and has sold at auction for £7,500 – a whopping 150 times its estimated garbage value.

The leather button-back scroll arm Chesterfield – which was reported to have been given to Churchill by the Aga Khan as a Merry Ramadan present in 1938, and then used by Churchill at his private chambers in Whitehall for afternoon naps following a heavy lunch session on the brandy – and occasionally humping his secretary Miss Candida Muffrot - was found in the garden shed of a house at Smegmadale-on-Sea.

Morton Floggit, the managing director of the Smegmadale-based Floggit, Floggit & Floggit (Auctioneers) Ltd, who sold the sofa to a South African telephone bidder, a certain Mr. Mandela, told Pox News the auction had been "very exciting".

Floggit further informed a reporter from the Weekly Con’ "We had about 12 commission bids on the book, 150 people in the room and seven telephone lines for bidders from as far a-field as South Africa, Antarctica and North Korea.”

"We started at a fiver and it just went up and up, sailing past its estimate. We thought for a while it would go for about £100 but then we had two telephone buyers fighting it out and it ended up going for a whopping £7,500."
"Who would have thought a grotty old settee which could very well have ended up as a rat’s nest on a landfill site, could make £7,500. It's ridiculous and fantastic all at the same time."

"I think it shows the high esteem the world has for dear old Winnie – Spencer Churchill I mean, not Winnie the Pooh - or that stupid dog with the saggy face on the TV insurance adverts.”

“Just think of all the famous arses that might have been sat on it in the Prime Minister’ office over the war years and after – all scratching their haemorrhoids and farting merrily away.”

“Rudolf Hess, King George VI, the Duke of Windsor, Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Bormann, Vera Lynn, Old Mother Riley, Kim Philby, and perhaps even that Egyptian twat Nasser who caused all the trouble in 1956 when we tried to keep the Suez Canal British.”

“This was far and away the most popular lot we've sold since the discovery of the Stalin Diaries – found last year in the same shed funnily enough – and wrapped up in Howard Hughes’ Last Will and Testament.”

The ripped Chesterfield was apparently discovered by accident in the back garden shed of Albanian refugee, Kostas Fuctifino, who oddly enough runs Pikey Pete’s second hand furniture emporium in Smegmadale.

Mr. Fuctifino told the media “Dis bloke wot woz a big mate of Churchill’s gets de sofa as a gift like, when old Winnie gets ‘is arse voted out of de PM’s office - den gives de sofa to ‘is bruvver ter keep in de shed fer ‘im ‘til ‘e can get a council ‘ouse ter live in.”

“Anyways, it’s in dere fer effin’ yonks like – an’ dere’s all dis old shit of Churchill’s stuck down der back of der sofa – old bus tickets, farthings, a WSC monogrammed silk snotrag, cigar stubs, receipts from Argos, smelly socks, Christmas cards from Eva Braun an’ Adolf Hitler an' discount car insurance brochures wiv Churchill's bulldog’s photo on ‘em.”

“So dat’s der providence like – an’ ‘ow we know der sofa woz Churchill’s an’ not sum other cunts.”

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