Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Giant Carp Pops its Clogs

The UK's most prized and iconic fresh water fish, Benson the Common Carp, has died, after being caught more than 60 times.
A day of national mourning is expected to be announced by the government’s Angling Secretary Silas Pollock later this week, according to a press release by the Ministry of Fish.

Benson, reportedly a female of the species, was a celebrity in the angling world and a household name in England – and even though of the Common Carp species, there was nothing of the Common slapper stereotype about her.
She had been hooked, poked, prodded and photographed then chucked back into her aquatic home at Scumford Lake in Smegmashire at least 60 times.

The owner of Scumford Lake, Ghengis McTench, told a reporter from the Fishmonger’s Gazette that Benson enjoyed having her picture taken – especially with TV and soccer celeb’s and always made an effort to smile for the camera even with a large hook embedded in her top lip.

Anglers would come from all over the world to try and catch then weigh the People’s Princess of Carp, give her a swift tickle and take a photograph together – arms and fins entwined.
Fishing parties from Japan and the Middle East regularly flew in just to try their luck – but while Benson might wag her tail near their floats she never let herself be hooked by foreign types.

Benson held the British Heavyweight Carp title and weighed in at a fit and agile 64lb 2oz - the biggest common carp in a UK fresh water reserve at her youthful estimated 25 years of age.

She was also very popular with fisherman as last Christmas readers of Angler’s Erotica voted her the carp most hardcore rod and line Ichthyophiles masturbated over and fantasised about going to bed with.

However the magazine drew sharp criticism from church groups and feminists alike earlier this year when they attempted to launch and market a life-sized Benson blow up fish – with real scales and a genuine ingrained piscene smell - to satisfy the perverted demands of their readership.

Now, in one of Kismet’s fickle acts of random malice, she is no more. Dead at 25 - less than half her mortal entitlement.
Comparable with the controversial deaths of Princess Di’ and Pope John Paul the First a cultish mythology is springing up around her untimely expiry and is being further fuelled and tempered by wild conspiracy theories.

Benson was a known sufferer of nut allergies, although ‘hooked’ on the tasty salted morsels - so was she deliberately dosed and poisoned with cashews in some twisted Masonic-Zionist plot?
Or was she drowned? Did she actually leave a suicide note? What did she know about Iraq’s weapons of mass distraction? Is the photo of Benson being hooked by Mohammed al Fayed a forgery? Was it really Prince Phillip and a group of MI6 agents who were seen fishing at Scumford Lake the night Benson died?

Benson’s funeral will be held at Hamid’s Fish & Chip Emporium in Upper Scumford next Wednesday. No flowers, chips or peas. Anglers, family and close friends only.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.

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