Monday, 3 August 2009

Did Jesus Smoke Hash Browns?

Pope Benny, the all-new German Mk XVI built-for-purpose Papal model, and the Catholic church in general, are up in arms in protest concerning speculations in a recreational drugs magazine – the ‘Dopehead’s Gazette’ – that Jesus and the twelve disciples were a bunch of whacky baccy addicts.

Jesus was almost certainly a cannabis user and an early proponent of the entheogenic and medicinal properties of the drug, according to a study of obscure Aramaic and Hebrew scriptural texts published this month in the magazine.

The study, researched by California-based Dr. Kurt Dorkfelt, suggests that the Three Wise Men who sought out and visited the Holy family in Judea were actually Persian drug dealers stoned out of their brains and following a star round in ever-decreasing circles until they ended up crashed out in a Bethlehem stable.
The gifts bestowed on the baby Jesus were not in fact Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh but sample packs of their top quality Malaysian coke, Turkish hash and Afghani opium trade goods.

The anointing oil used by Jesus and his disciples contained an ingredient called kaneh-bosem which Aramaic scholars claim is a potent cannabis extract and those anointed with the oil were literally drenched in the shit – which then gave them a tremendous hallucogenic high when absorbed through the skin via osmosis.
Further, the incense used by Jesus and Co. in ceremonies also contained cannabis extracts so not only were they annointed with the mind-bending narcotic but also breathing the stuff in on a 24/7 basis.

In ancient times cannabis was widely cultivated throughout the Middle East and known as ‘fragrant cane’. It grows like a weed and provides nourishing seed, with the stalks being the source of fibre used to make quality ‘hemp’ rope.
People were doubtlessly aware of the plant’s pleasurable effects as it would have been impossible to harvest it without becoming ecstatic as the drug would be absorbed through the skin.

Ancient fermented grape extracts were fortified, like the "strong wine" of the Old Testament, with entheogenic herbal additives such as cannabis, opium, datura, belladonna, mandrake and henbane.
Common incenses, such as myrrh, ambergris and frankincense are psychotropic, hence the easy availability and long tradition of cannabis use saw its inclusion in these mixtures.

The unpublished gospel of St Peter, hidden deep in the Vatican archives, makes frequent mention of the disciples breakfasting on ‘Soma’ - a strange plant without leaves or roots that needed little light and induced religious ecstasy – which scientists wholeheartedly agree was the amanita muscaria - or magic mushroom.
Peter’s gospel further describes the twelve likely lads as brewing a potion made from the ergot fungus that grows on wheat which produced an entheogenic experience similar to LSD.

Biblical scholars now agree that the menu for the Last Supper, mentioned in the Dead Sea Scrolls, lists the main course as a cannabis-laced goat curry with hash browns - followed by a session on the bong pipe - after which Judas had a bad trip then got a cob on and went and grassed Jesus up to the Sanheddrin for his egocentric Chosen One / Messiah complex.

Conversely, with Judea overrun by Roman conqueror types and the Sanheddrin always breathing down your neck for blasphemy - and public floggings, stonings or crucifixion a likely sentence for a first offence, who wouldn’t grab the odd bifta and drift away.

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