Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Robot Sex for Sale by Christmas

It might just sound more like bullshit than perceived reality – or some Japanese techie’s sci-fi’ BD/SM fetish fantasy, but robot hookers and robot sex are set to be an intregal part of the future for men who can’t pull pussy – or those discerning libidinous gourmets who get fed up with the same old hole and “Have yer finished yet?” statements.

Japanese boffins introduced their new top model today - she stands 5 feet tall, weighs 95 pounds, measures a gainly 36-24-36 and comes equipped with sub-nuclear rice batteries to keep her going – and going – and going – just like those real McCoy human nymphomaniac goers.

The LBFM-ROR-3H is a new dusky Asian cyberbot girl that may put the Honda ASIMO to the test for the title of the world’s most advanced robot. (The LBFM-ROR-3H manufacturing code stands for ‘Little Brown Fucking Machine-Run on Rice-3-Holer’)

This experimental humanoid cyberbot is indeed distinct from anything yet unveiled in the Japanese robotics industry.

Created by Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Kinky Science the LBFM-ROR-3H features 30 motors spread throughout the body which gives it (or her!) a wide range of facial gestures, including surprise, boredom, disgust - or pleasure - and with an additional eight motors in its pelvic region a vagina that can squeeze a lemon dry and spit out the pips to boot.

This ‘Oriental Spice’ robot girl - equipped with a light coffee-coloured synthetic skin covering the entire body, and topped with a crop of black hair (pubic included) is capable of a full range of human coital activities with a unique vaginal lubricant derived from healthy low-cholesterol Omega 3 fish oils that starts to flow during foreplay, which smell and taste just like the real thing.

The LBFM-ROR-3H was developed primarily as a ‘female’ for the entertainment industry and took stroll down the cat-walk at last week’s Tokyo five-day fashion extravaganza, drawing wolf-whistles - and several instances of premature ejaculation amongst the male audience when the prototype Gammo and Wank-Bot models performed a series of seductive lap dancing routines for them.

The Zygbiotics company developing the LBFM-ROR-3H into a marketable CyboSlut claim their evolution of the robot will produce a sophisticated multi-tasking remote-controlled sex partner who can assume a ‘top’ missionary position and move ‘her’ ass faster than a fiddler’s elbow playing the Flight of the Bumblebee.

Equipped with a cerebral-mounted Pentium 5 x 12 Ghz dual-core microprocessor chips and programme files containing the entire Perfumed Garden and Karma Sutra, the CyboSlut will be capable of a wide range of vocabulary tasks including genuine screams and howls of orgasmic pleasure – issuing demands of “Spank me!” - “Pull my hair!” - “Eat my snatch” and “Fuck my brains out!”

Or if your personal CyboSlut starts to get on your nerves - like the thing you were married to - simply hit the remote’s mute button and ‘voila’ – lie back and enjoy a three hole session in perfect peace and silence.

Several models have been undergoing beta-testing since March this year – both the CyboSlut – for male and lesbian buyers - and the Toyboy Bot for widows, grannies and pig-ugly broomstick merchants.

One disaffected techie working for the Zygbiotics Corporation, Hari Snitchimoto, speaking on conditions of anonymity, told a reporter from the Perverts Gazette of the diverse problems that had arisen with the prototype models being tested by the development team.

Following glitches with the Toyboy Bot’s actual penis snapping off during all-night clusterfuck conditions, the newly-modified nine inch 24/7 erection cock performed beyond expectations and got an all-round thumbs-up from volunteers at the Yokohama Townswomen’s Guild – several of whom are still comatose in states of erogenous rhapsody.

CyboSlut too encountered ‘teething’ setbacks - literally – with one prototype biting a techie’s dork off at the stump while performing a test run deep throat blow job which ruptured the bot’s epiglottis - causing it to go into ‘lockjaw’ mode.

But the Zygbiotics sales team are pushing for a December / Christmas stocks launch for CyboSlut and Toyboy Bot regardless – with a GayBot version to keep society’s deviant sodomists happy too.

The initial outcries and criticisms from the Vatican and the Catholic Church in general seem to have subsided to approving whispers and sneaky smirks after the announcement that a special ‘Choirboy’ model – with full cherubic lips and a hydraulic sphincter - was under development.

However not everyone was suitably impressed, with Oxford University Philosphy Professor Milton Fuctifino, winner of the 2006 Nobel Prize for Cynicism, opining to Pox News “Just what I need – a robot lover : cold, emotionless and devoid of all human empathy and feelings – just like the missus.”

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