Sunday, 31 July 2011

MoD Hire Taliban Spies for War Games

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A group of Arab Semite and East African types hired by a certified Ministry of Defence contractor, the Luton-based Jolly Jihad Human Resources & Logistics SA, to play the part of Afghan villagers in war games training (Ouch! Roll over! Play dead!) have been apprehended during a Borders Agency sweep for immigration offenders.

The arrests were made in a dawn raid at the Numptystone Army Camp on Salisbury Plain in Wiltshire earlier this week where a dozen Afghan nationals, employed as role play villagers in military exercises, were among 200 assorted EUSSR pikey migrants whose actual nationalities and visa status were under scrutiny after one shifty group were caught on a spy drone’s cameras in the middle of a sacrilegious crop circle image of Mohammed’s face, prayer mats unfurled and performing the triple head-bag homage ritual while facing east and praying to Allah.

Suspicions regarding the actual ethnicity of a number of the employees had been raised for some time – whether they were from one of the 27 EUSSR community nations – due the fact their job application forms stated they were bona fide Polish migrant workers - who don’t require visas under EUSSR laws - but were discovered to be unable to speak either English - or even a few rudimentary words of Polish – and who, on close up inspection, turned out to be jet black Somali fugitives on the run from facing piracy charges back in Mogadishu.

Fearing that security might well have been compromised, General Irwin Bogbrush ordered the vetting of the entire immigrant workforce, which served to expose the deception that twelve Albanian refugees, supposedly wanted back in Tirana on charges of swan poaching, were in fact Pashto Afghans from the country’s war-torn Bellend Province sent over to spy on the British Army’s anti-al Qaeda and Taliban combat strategies.

The leader of the group was discovered to be the Saudi Arabian-born celebrity serial suicide bomber known as Mohammed al Ka-Boom, who had personally pulled off dozens of self-immolating terror attacks all across the Middle East and managed to survive several assassination attempts by US forces in Iraq who had reported him dead and done for on a minimum of six occasions since the illegal invasion and ousting of Saddam Hussein in 2003.

Following an Abu Ghraib style manicure and howling “Ouch! Fer fuck’s sake, that’s one way ter stop me bitin’ me effin’ nails!” – Mr al Ka-Boom admitted to his interrogators “Yeah, we woz sent over ter volunteer ter join up wiv’ this bunch of Pommie army dildos wiv the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment an’ the 18th Body Bag Brigade wot’s trainin’ ter go out ter Afghanistan - then find out wot the fuck they woz plannin’ – apart from lookin’ after the Socal gas pipeline an’ guardin’ the opium crops.”

Ms Shadawaddi bin Jaffacake, the Border Agency spokeswoman, informed one press hack from the Impostors Gazette that investigators were still trying to establish what moronic cretin at the Ministry of Defence was responsible for signing a supply contract with the Jolly Jihad Human Resources & Logistics SA.

Apparently the twelve Afghans, aged between 19 and 96, are now being held at the Salisbury Plod Squad’s HQ and will be on board the next available CIA Smiley Face extraordinary rendition flight to Guantanamo Bay.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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