Tuesday, 5 July 2011

UK Homeless Numbers Set to Soar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to an ultra-top secret Cabinet report leaked to Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, by anarchist moles working inside Shitehall and Downing Street; the UK’s Libservative Coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron, the Conservative Party’s Chosen One, their Kwizach Haderach – who New Labour’s Ed Millipede has labelled a ‘False Messiah’ and a posturing, privileged prat who still thinks wood grows on trees - as he refers to those of lesser social and educational status than himself as ‘bloody oicks’ - has been warned by his most trusted Falstaffian cabinet minister that the Tory welfare policies risk making 40,000 families homeless and causing an action replay of the 1381 Peasant’s Revolt, staged by reformist agitators fed up with their lot in life and, armed with battle axes and like offensive weapons, saw a legion of erring political heads roll.

Okay, let’s just touch base on that last bit again. It’s not just a top end figure of 40,000 homeless but a ‘further’ 40,000 hapless sods - additional to the 300,000 plus zero ‘roof over the head’ disenfranchised and ‘hidden homeless’ already sofa surfing or living rough on canal banks and landfill sites in cardboard boxes with no electricity, no inside toilet or hot and cold running water; no Sky Sports TV access, nor high speed broadband internet connections, nor Facebook or Twitter, to publish and whinge about their socio-economic plights.

The looming calamity claim is stated in a recent report to Slime Minister Scameron from the office of Eric ‘Cellulite’ Prickles, the Local Communities Secretary, who ate all the pies in the House of Conmans’ canteen last week before Lord ‘Tubby’ Prescott could even get a look in.

Prickles, a former barrage balloon model and the inspiration for the Michelin Man cartoon character, informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that his own Parliamentary and local authority research, coupled with feedback from the National Statistics Office, lays bare the private fears harboured by the majority of MPs and council jobsworths with two ounces of common sense in their moronic skulls, of mass homelessness disproportionately impacting on families and initiating a series of very negative and undesirable political consequences.

Thus it is calculated that Prickle’s report will serve to focus on and illuminate the social disaster just waiting to happen, and expose the deep resentment and rifts at the heart of government and inside the Tory High Command’s Coalition ‘Fuhrerbunker’ - which are curently simmering at a critical mass state and ready to erupt in a mega-nuclear chain reaction of political dissent over plans to cap housing benefit at £500 quid a week per family.

The report demonstrates that the estimated £270 million quid budget savings from the housing benefits cap will be wiped out by the necessity to divert resources to help the next batch of freshly-made homeless Albanian, Slovak or Polish immigrants and turn the entire thing into a ‘loss generating scheme’.

The leaked report also makes mention of the damning fact that the 56,00 ‘affordable’ social housing scheme homes the government expects to be constructed by 2015 will now not be built as property developers have woken up to Scameron’s bullshit and realised they’ll be unable to recoup even 50% of the construction costs or market rates from their ‘welfare benefit’ tenants.

So, if Eric Prickles, the Tory MP for East Cholesterol, has experienced a ‘Road to Damascus’ type Pauline conversion and suddenly evolved a moral conscience – or a dread of the outcome of a revolution staged by unemployed radical Bolshie types and generalised anarchists to correct the mistakes of the Libservative Coalition mismanagement and lying politicians basing economic policy on Chaos Theory game plans and a Malthusian Catastrophe subsistence level strategy - and is set to become the Saviour of the disaffected peasant classes via the medium of compiling this report - then we’re all definitely fucked, and up shitcreek without a paddle – or a canoe.

Regardless of Prickles's belief that the benefits cap – announced with great fanfare at last year's Tory conference, and received with enthusiastic raucous applause by the Common Purpose brainwashed party members – will increase the burden on those few still-employed taxpayers, due the obvious fact that zillions of families will be unable to pay their rent and hence be forced to seek local government help – the fact remains that his report blows apart the government's public insistence that a limit on benefit payments will have little impact on homelessness and child poverty – and hence said report will be trash-canned by Posh Dave Scameron’s strategy minders at the Rothshite bankster end of things fiscal and political

To be fair, if the housing benefit allowance isn’t drastically slashed, then how the fuck is Scameron supposed to live up to his fatally flawed promises (no, not the one about holding an EUSSR membership referedum if we all voted for him and he got into office) of pledging a further £814 million quid of British taxpayers’ hard-earned money to a Third World child vaccination programme run by the demented eugenics / Agenda 21 population cull fanatic, Microslop head honcho Bill Gates - taking the UK’s reluctant total contribution to £1.5 zillion nicker?

Then too we have Cabbage Patch Dave’s further pledge of £38 zillion quid to provide food for one and a half million scabby Ethiopians for three months as they’re apparently facing the worst drought to hit the African shithole since the last drought.
Disregarding opposition shouts of “Charity should begin at home!” Scameron replied “But these people are starving!”
Of course they’re fucking starving – they’re living in the middle of a fucking desert. Any fucker or their dog who decides to go off the radar and live in a desert’s got a pretty good chance of starving.
Why give them any money – just relocate them all to Poland – that place is nigh on vacant of population as they’re all over in the UK working for minimum wage, driving stolen white vans and posing as plumbers – and poaching out carp and the Royal swans.

Thought for the day: If you’re likely to be made homeless once the bank, building society or credit card company – or local council send the bailiffs round to kick your front door in and evict you for non-payment of whatever, enter our online quiz and you could stand a chance of winning a year’s-worth of free bed and breakfast at some homophobic slum miles away from your nearest Jobcenter.

All you have to do to enter is look at the Eric ‘Mr Creosote’ Prickles – your friendly Communities Minister - photo below and guess how many double chins he has. ? Is it more than John ‘Two-Slags’ Prescott? Is it more than Ken Clarke’s? Is it 3 – or 6 – or 10 – or 12?
Go on , have a go, even if you get it right, it won’t be logged down as ‘treasonable’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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