Tuesday, 19 July 2011

‘Resignation!’ Spectacular Hits London

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Flatbrokes, the ubiquitous High Street bookies are giving odds on who will be the next career criminal forced to resign from their News International job or cosy government service sinecure and/or get arrested – with an accumulator bet offering massive returns if the quitter is also collared by the Met’s Operation Weetabix and charged not only with phone hacking but bribing Constable Plod and his friends too.

Even money is the best on offer for any more whistleblowers turning up dead after NoW reporter Sean Hoare, a mere 47, was found to have expired his mortal coil yesterday in what police describe as ‘unexplained circumstances’. Conversely, one of the on-scene forensics team confided to the media that the 26 stabwounds in Hoare’s back indicated this was the most determined case of suicide he’d ever come across.

As well as Operation Weetabix, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Suzy Knackers has been tasked with running Operation Eiderdown – the investigation into bribes of £10 zillion quid paid to five top ranking Metropolitan police force officers by the News of the World in £30,000 nicker big brown envelope tranches - an inquiry also being overseen by the Independent Police Coverups Commission.

A third investigation, aptly titled ‘Operation What the Fuck Next’, is looking into the activities of the disgraced private detective Jack McScally, who supplied the News of the World, the Sunday Mirror, the Daily Shitraker, the Scandalmongers Gazette and too the iconic Graft & Corruption Review – plus a string of other scurrilous red top gutter press tabloids - with hacked confidential insider info’ for donkeys years.
Police are conducting preliminary investigations into the vast amounts of documentation – specifically 750,000 pages - relating to McScally, who ran the Twatford Heath-based Scumbag Investigations private detective agency in Slurry with his partner, former Plod Squad officer Sid ‘The Fiddle’ Fiddlesticks.

In a most suspicious move, PM Posh Dave Scameron, himself facing critical Parliamentary questions over the phone-hacking scandal, upon hearing of Met Police boss Sir Paul Stephenson’s forced resignation yesterday, drove directly out to Heathrow and jumped on the first plane leaving for Africa – telling reporters “Fuck this, I’m off on a trade mission to Golly Land for a few days to see my old mate President Winnebago Jaffacake in Nigeria, while the spin doctors get their shit together.”

Meanwhile, back on the home front, as Home Secretary Theresa Maybe maintained the string of disingenuous porky pies that no pressure had been put on Stephenson to quit, one aide for London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense corrected the statement by announcing that confidence in him had been severely shaken due his hiring the former News of the World's hacking division executive Neil Wally as an adviser on media security.

While Bonkers didn’t exactly march Sir Paul to the door with a gun to his head, he was apparently holding a loaded revolver in his hand as he pointed at the exit and sang the chorus from the Will Young song ‘Think You’d Better Leave Right Now’.

To add to the imbroglio, New Labour’s juvenile leader Ed Millipede (aka the Moronic Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit) informed one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that he personally blames the entire scandal on a culture of irresponsibility that also led to the banking crisis and House of Conmans MPs' to abuse their expenses – claiming thousands of pounds for such ridiculous items as vibrating prostate massagers, duck islands and having their moats dredged.

In a speech later, Millipede is set to declare that all three episodes were caused by some of the most powerful people in British society thinking they were untouchable and could act as they pleased – but does not intend this to be taken as a direct reference to Prince Philip wanting to be reincarnated as a Sneezy Pig flu virus and wipe out mankind – or having Diana murdered in Paris.

Millipede would be well advised to engage brain prior to opening mouth on this matter as the entire ‘abuse of office’ shebang dates back to Tony Bliar and Gordon Broon’s fateful 13 scandal-ridden years (unlucky for some) in power – as instanced by the firing and re-hiring of career scumbag Lord Peter Scandalson (aka Vermin in Ermine) several times.

Next Bliar dragged the UK into the illegal invasions of Afghanistan (blood for opium) - and Iraq (blood for oil) with dodgy dossier claims that Saddam had an arsenal of weapons of mass distraction - then ordered the hapless government’s chief weapons inspector snuffed in the Grassy Knoll Woods for saying he didn’t – (David Kelly - the only honest man around) - and finally sanctioning the 7/7 false flag terrorist attacks on London’s Undergound system simply to justify the expansion of their Big Brother panopticon surveillance machine and demonise Muslims as a bunch of Jolly Jihadist nutters who hate our illusory democratic freedoms.

Thought for the day: ‘Hackgate’ has seen the Met’s Sir Paul Stephenson given his marching orders by Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense, followed by Scotland Yard’s Assistant Commissioner John Yates being awarded a DCM (Don’t Come Monday), with Rebekah Brooks falling on her own knitting needles in classical Greek tragedy fashion – and now Mudrock’s faithful gopher for the past 52 years, Les Hinton, the CEO of Dow Jones, which publishes News Corporation’s Wall Street Journal, has jumped ship and said “Fuck this getting thrown to the wolves game!” as the US Attorney General is politically pressured to open a formal inquiry into the hacking of the voicemails of 9/11 victims by Raving Rupert’s career criminal journalists after a scoop - and ethics or morality be damned.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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