Afghan Pres’ Bro’ Snuffed by own Security

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a black propaganda Twitter post, also confirmed on the CIA-run Taliban ‘Blood n Guts’ website by fantasy terrorist leader Ras al Scrote, claims that the renta-villain brother of Afghan President Hamid Kami-Karzai has been assassinated in Kandahar by a hit squad of mujihadeen fighters operating out of the neighbouring Bellend Province.

Ahmad ‘Wally’ Karzai, known to family, friends and associates alike as a ‘right dodgy git and all-round scumbag’ – though a leading power broker in the country's Pashtun-dominated south - was shot dead at his fortress-like mansion on Saturday night while watching a re-run of the raunchy Desperate Goat Herders Wives series on Sky TV’s Filth Channel.

Ironically, yet perhaps poetically justified – the truth of the matter is that Karzai did not fall victim to a Jolly Jihad hit team but was shot by his long-time head of security, Mohammed al Twatt - then stabbed, strangled, and beaten over the head with a stocking full of dried yak shit by the rest of his turncoat security detail - before they chopped him to bits then ransacked the entire household and carted the haul of expensive luxury Western goods – plus a pick-up truck loaded with sacks of opium and assorted automatic weapons - down to Cash Converters in Kandahar City to make good their back salaries, unpaid for the past three months.

Conversely, Afghan President Hamid Kami-Karzai and the US-led International Security Assistance Force high command under General Billy Bob Betrayus are playing down the actual true circumstances of Wally Karzai’s killing and promoting their false “The Taliban Dan Gang did it!" claim that they were responsibility for the attack and calling it one of their top achievements since they drove out the Soviets and publicly lopped off President Najubullah’s bollocks.

Wally Karzai's killing is the latest and most high-profile in a series of assassinations of senior politicians and military commanders across the country by their own security teams for going into cheap Charlie mode and copy-catting the EU’s recession-hit community nations by enforcing pay freezes and shagging around with their sacrosanct pension rights.

However political opponents and critics informed press hacks that Wally Karzai was a nasty piece of work warlord openly involved in the drugs trade and had a personal (albeit unpaid) militia at his disposal – until they took umbrage at the non-payment of their salaries and decided to snuff him.

Karzai, while not quite the most popular bloke around, who received more death threats than birthday cards, was the former Minister for Graft & Corruption in his President brother’s National Kleptocracy Party government until resigning in 2008 to spend more time tending to the family’s opium crops and concentrating on expanding his collection of pre-Columbian Tupperware and Thomas the Tank Engine models.

ISAF security was intensified around the Kandahar province’s shithole of a capital following Tuesday morning's shooting, with a US MQ-9 Reaper UAV drone loosing a barrage of Shitehawk missiles into a suspicious looking school bus full of sprogs for good measure, as the flocks of scavenging vultures and jackals congregating around Chateau Karzai for a free meal were shooed off by local police and the pecked and chewed dismembered body parts of Wally Karzai then gathered up and taken to the local mortuary for reassembly prior to burial.

President Hamid Kami Karzai had repeatedly defended his brother, denouncing accusations that he was involved in criminal activities.
As head of the Kandahar Opium Growers Cooperative, Wally Karzai was a staunch ally of US and the ISAF forces in Afghanistan, back-stabbing anyone who presented a threat to his dodgy commercial dealings by accusing them of harbouring Taliban sympathies and having them carted off to Guantanamo Bay.

General Hiram T. Redneck III, the US military commander in Kandahar, told one press hack from the Scumbags Gazette that "Despite our worries about Wally Karzai being involved in illicit arms deals with the Taliban and drug trafficking, he was the type of scally the US could work with and he kept a lid on things in Kandahar. All you had to be careful of was shaking hands with the dodgy bastard – and remembering to count your fingers afterwards."

No stranger to the personal security problems associated with his lack of popularity and passport to social acceptance being rescinded, Wally Karzai had survived several attempts on his life in the past - most recently in a rocket and machine gun attack in 2009 as his convoy was travelling towards the Bellend Province Farmers Market with the seasonal harvest of the organic opium crop.

The previous year he was overseeing the sale of ‘misplaced’ US arms at a Kandahar car boot sale when a fuel tanker exploded in the immediate vicinity. Although Karzai himself escaped unhurt, several hundred people were killed and a herd of goats instantly barbequed by the blast.
This incident was blamed on Taliban militants regardless of CCTV footage that proved the explosion was caused by the stoned tanker driver screwing up a show off demonstration of frag’ grenade juggling for a group of enthralled kids.

Thought for the day: A tried and tested military intelligence strategy to acquire a difficult target is kidnap or snuff close members of their family. Don’t hold your breath but Flatbrokes, the ubiquitous UK High Street bookies, are giving odds on something (suicide bomber) going Ka-fucking-Boom! at Wally Karzai’s funeral in an attempt to cop the President brother.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.