Friday, 1 July 2011

Clarke Okays Snuffing Scallies

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK Libservative Coalition government’s Justice Secretary, Ken ‘Who ate all the Pies’ Clarke, the Tory MP for Tushycliffe, has today clarified the law on self defence, stating for the public record that in his book it’s perfectly acceptable by polite society standards to snuff burglars and any other pikey scally who threatens your person or property, opining to one gutter press hack from the Payback Gazette that “Go on, I say, hit the bastards with a poker – or stab them with the bread knife. Cat burglars, dog burglars – all the bloody lot and serves the sods right for going thieving and not having a honest job like me.”

Clarke informed the media that while the Libservative Coalition government were not encouraging vigilantism or lynch mobs - nor did they wish ‘burglar snuffing’ to become a national pastime – (such as jaywalking and bumping into lamp posts and walls while texting on a cellphone) - they would be legalising such actions in his forthcoming ‘Anti-Scrote Bill’ which is aimed at clarifying and ensuring the legal rights of home-owners to defend themselves and their property against acts of violent trespass and theft.

The Justice Secretary maintains that the public are entitled to use whatever force is necessary to protect their homes and a householder who beats a burglar to death with a pickaxe shaft or baseball bat would not have committed a criminal offence – although he did mention that “However, the Plod Squad will definitely be frowning on any burglars or like-minded skangers shot or stabbed in the back while trying to escape a property owner’s wrath.”

PM Posh Dave Scameron recently announced for the public record that the issue should be put "beyond doubt" – as under the conflicting statutes and terms of the 2008 Criminal Justice and Immigration Act homeowners who use "reasonable force" to protect themselves against intruders should not be prosecuted - providing they use no more force than is absolutely necessary to scare a bunch of thieving gits away – such as a panful of scalding chip fat in the face, or a pair of chopsticks jammed into a villain’s eye. Hmmm, will someone please define ‘reasonable’?

Now, at long last, the government is set to place people's right to defend their property, historically present in Common Law, into the precepts of Statute Law, with Clarke informing the House of Conmans assembly "It's quite obvious that people are entitled to use whatever force is necessary to protect themselves and their homes – and in practice this would mean if an old lady finds she's got an 18 year old hoodie yobster burgling her house after nicking her pension money and she picks up a kitchen knife and chops his bollocks off, then beats him to death with a Zimmer frame - in my book she’s not committed a criminal offence."

"We intend to make it quite clear you can hit a burglar with the poker if he's broken into your house – with the coal scuttle as well if you’re so inclined - and you have a perfect defence when you do so and his brains are splattered all over the carpet."

While bleeding heart human rights activists and pro bono lawyers are up in arms over Clarke’s proposed ‘home defence’ criminal justice legislation, quoting the New Testament’s bullshit credo that ‘violence begets violence’ and the fatally-flawed Christian ethos of ‘turn the other cheek’ – supporters of the revised bill are in turn quoting the Biblical Old Testament maxim of ‘do unto others as they would do unto you’ - and ‘an eye for an eye’ philosophy as a sound basis for moral law.

Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, the spokesman for the vigilante group ‘Scrote-Watch’, told the media “Wot we want ter see is it passin’ inter effin’ law that yer can beat burgling scallies ter death and feed their flesh ter yer guard dogs – and befucked wiv these piss-ant ‘reasonable force’ bullshit restrictions.”
“Yer cop some twat tryin’ ter nick yer stereo – or strugglin’ ter get yer 40 inch HD telly through the front window an’ he hurts his back, then the git sues yer fer not havin’ reasonable burglar access.”
“Or if yer belt him wiv a tyre iron, then the next thing is yer up fer GBH an’ the bastard’s got a personal injury lawyer knockin’ on yer door wiv an effin’ big claim – then yer inter a mega-bucks legal battle cos yer infringed the burglar’s human rights ter rob who the fuck he likes.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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