Saturday, 16 July 2011

Falafel Burgers Fail Kosher Test

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Freddie and Felix Fagin, the Jerusalem-based entrepreneur twins, recently opened a franchise of the notorious McDonald's ‘Chew n Spew’ toxic burger chain on a disputed Palestinian Muslim site next to the Dome on the Rock.

In keeping with McD’s international policy, which attempts to tailor its menus to cater for local markets around the world, the moronic Fagin twins reckoned they were on a winner with the introduction of their version of that favourite Mid-Eastern snack, the ‘Falafel Burger’ – a deep fried, cholesterol-loaded chickpea patty on a mayonnaise-splattered barmcake.

Alas the discerning 'ritually pure' junk food dining public thought otherwise and gave the falafel dish a big thumbs down – likewise with their innovative ‘Big Cock Orlah Burger’ – a concoction of garlic, chillies and onions minced up and blended with the local synagogue’s weekly accumulation of foreskins – a dish definitely not in the Rabbinical kosher brochure.

Tel Aviv nutritionist Ms Sharlila O’chel Batachat, opined to one press hack from the Hudaibiya Gazette “McD’s specialty is greasy burgers. We don't need the Fagin twins opening up a US Chew n Spew franchise to make falafel when we have local stalls that fry up fresh ones all over Israel – especially so as theirs taste like a lump of dogshit in a wrap.”

Speaking to one press hack from the Chutzpah Gazette, Freddie Fagin explained “Me an’ Felix are trying to cater to the local cultural tastes like the other ‘Chew n Spew’ joints do around the world.”
“In Peking you can get a ‘Doggy Burger’, up in Alaska they do a great choice of Seal and Walrus and Husky Burgers for the Eskimos; Australia has Roo Burgers and the ‘McEmu’ – and New Zealand have their iconic ‘Kiwi-on-a-Bun’ – and even Scotland have the McHaggis’.”

“So that’s why we tried the Falafel patty thing, which has since fallen flat on its arse with these fussy orthodox Chabad meshuggenahs. Regardless, next week we’re planning to introduce our ‘Shmok-Dog’ – a 12 inch weiner on a tennis roll. Then we’ll have the ‘Shylock Surprise’ – a burger made from a full pound of flesh. We’re also mulling over honouring our Prime Minister with a ‘Supersize Me’ Bobo Nuttyahoo Burger – and supplying the IDF’s Hafganat Koah Brigade’s bully boy thugs with ‘Ethnic Cleansing Burgers’ - made from minced Palestinian rock throwers.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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