Man Not Fat Enough for Obesity Surgery

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A 22-stone ex-Plod Squad constable has lost his Court of Appeal fight to force the Cheapskate-on-Sea health authority to fund obesity surgery – which his own GP states is the only option left to saving the man’s life.

Jack ‘Porky’ McFlabb, 62, claims he needs a gastric bypass operation – which will apparently connect his mouth directly to his arsehole - to improve the quality of his life after becoming roly-poly plump due to the prescription drugs he takes to combat and overcome his chew n spew junk food addiction and self-harm habit of injecting high cholesterol chocolate sauce into his upper arm's brachial artery.

Mr McFlabb, who while visibly appearing to be a fat git, only has a body mass index (BMI) of a mere 43 – and was informed by doctors that it is not high enough under the Primary Care Trust's rules to qualify for 'Teletubbie surgery' – which resulted in him losing a High Court battle over the decision on April 1st this year.

During the court hearing judges were informed that McFlabb had tried non-surgical interventions and lifestyle changes including taking up smoking, using hard drugs and going on the celebrity-touted three month duration Japanese 'Fuckupshima Diet' which involved radioactive enemas and snorting depleted uranium powder – none of which had any significant impact on his overweight condition.

However his lawyers had argued that the Cheapskate-on-Sea PCT had purposely applied a funding policy which was legally flawed and breached his human rights after doctors diagnosed that the patient’s major organs will eventually fail and then he’ll only have a couple of years to live if the surgery is still denied.

Conversely his area’s PCT authority have stuck by their original decision – that with a BMI of only 43 McFlabb does not qualify for the controversial ‘arse to mouth’ bypass surgery that has stricken so many post-op’ patients with severe bad breath problems.

Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, the presiding judge, expressed "considerable sympathy" but ruled the PCT’s funding policy did not breach human rights laws as McFlabb simply wasn’t fat enough to be considered ‘too fat’ – though did seek to clarify what BMI figure was necessary to qualify a person for gastric by-pass surgery.
Apparently while a BMI of 40 to 49.9 is classed as ‘Morbidly Obese’, Mr McFlabb will have to clock up a BMI of 50 or higher to get his ‘Super Obese’ classification and hence meet the criteria for the surgery – a factor that has determined him to go on a binge eating and drinking session to top the 50-plus requirement – or die trying.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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