Sunday, 10 July 2011

BBC Turn Jobhunting into Blood Sport

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Programme planners at the BBC are facing renewed criticism and copping for fresh heaps of well-deserved flack from civil rights groups for a planned gameshow-style reality series which will offer top City jobs as prizes to the unemployed.
Bazzer McScrunt, the director of Ox-Rat, the human rights and wrongs abuse watchdog charity, opined to one press hack from the Daily Shitraker that “This is the worst effin’ idea the BBC’s had since their last worst idea. The whole concept’s tacky n trashy, but that sums the BBC up to a tee – and 99% of all other telly channels too.”

The proposed BBC3 programme, ‘Jobs to Die For’ - which moronically plans to pit unemployed teenagers against each other in Roman gladiator style combat scenarios live on air - is scheduled to give the series – pre-emptively branded as inappropriate and cruel - a prime time evening spot to attract a mega-ratings blood-thirsty audience fed up with the lack of gore and carnage offered on Big Brother, Dragon’s Den – or Bargain Hunt.

Love & Hate Productions, the makers of the show, are looking for jobseekers aged between 16 and 24 with a history of violence and who’ve previously been penalised with Asbos for vandalism and anti-social behaviour - or ordered to attend ‘anger management’ seminars.

The series, which was commissioned earlier this year, will film school, college and university leavers – along with Borstal releasees - on four-week placements with British Special Forces troops in Afghanistan and Libya to ‘get the feel of things violent’.
The youngsters will start with menial tasks like body-bagging civilians killed by cross-eyed NATO gunship pilots firing Shitehawk missiles into schools and orphanages around Tripoli - before graduating to more independent executive actions such as the ’Silent Snuff’ – taking out an enemy sentry with a cheese wire garrotte or their K-bar knife.

From then on it’s back to the UK studios, where the series’ producer, Genghis de Sade, intends to stage weekly knock-out slugfest tournaments in ‘The Arena’, where contestants will get the chance to prove their worth in Roman ‘Blood & Snot’ style face-to-face combat situations and hack each other to pieces with a variety of bladed weapons and blunt instruments – and with the winner being awarded the coveted 'You're Hired' decision after proving themselves capable of surviving and prospering in the cut-throat, dog-eat-dog world of corporate banking.

Conversely, employment consultants have rapped the BBC, accusing the Corporation of exploiting the jobless for entertainment.
Fellattia van der Gamm, founder of the respected job-hunting website Scally-Hire, opined to the Warmongers Gazette that “This show’s inappropriate and cruel – and obviously designed by some moronic prat who has no empathy for how it feels to be young and unemployed, with no chance of getting a job while this fatally-flawed Libservative Coalition government, led by Posh Dave Scameron, remain in power and perpetuate the depression by pushing the moronic Big Society concept and it being run by volunteers.”

“Really, turning their struggle to find a job into gore-ridden entertainment for a television audience is humiliating – and don’t overlook the fact that those contestants who fail to make the grade in the arena might take the rejection on national television very hard and a blow to their self-esteem – especially when the viewing audience phone-in a ‘thumbs down’ verdict.”

So, if you’re out of a job and interested in pitting your wits and pugilist skills against contemporary opponents in a life-or-death situation, fill in the online application form below.
While the top prizes include such coveted posts as trainee CEO of N.M. Rothshite Bank and Junior VP at BAE Armaments, consolation prizes include a guaranteed NHS bed and a dedicated A & E surgical team to patch up losers – plus 100 minutes of free texts to Samaritans - or an all-paid one-way trip to Switzerland’s Dignitas ‘Smiley Face’ assisted suicide resort if inflicted injuries include brain damage.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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