Sunday, 24 July 2011

Amy the Alkie now an ex-Celeb’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The aptly-named celebrity pisshead Amy Winehouse, whose real name was Amelia Tosspot, was yesterday found dead at her Camden home, clutching an e-mail print out from Mollydooker Vineyards in Australia – across which she’d scribbled “This is the fuckin’ end - it's back on the Shite Lightning!”

Metropolitan Police spokeswoman, Sgt. Bev Titwank, confirmed that the 27-year-old singer had died, apparently by an act of suicide induced from receiving the 'last straw' shocking news that her shipment of Mollydooker ‘Chateau de Plonk’ Shiraz vino, worth £125 quid per bottle, had been destroyed in a forklift accident Down-Under.

Ozzie winemaker Sparky McTwatt told one press hack from the Alkies Gazette he was gut-wrenched that Amy’s order of 462 cases of the vintage red wine had been smashed on the dockside while being loaded for export to the UK.

The shipment, valued at £666,000 nicker, apparently consisted of more than 60% of the Mollydooker vineyard’s annual production and was the last of the 2009 vintage stock.

Trev Butterfingers, the forklift driver who worked for the Klumsy-Kunt Logistics cargo handling company, and was responsible for the accident, sent Amy a “Whoops!” sorrygram following the incident.

Fans will recall that Winehouse initially won widespread acclaim with her 2003 debut album, Wankers - which was nominated for the Meths Breezer prize - but it was the release of her 2006 ‘Back on the Grog’ album which brought her worldwide stardom, winning five Grammy Awards and a complimentary four week re-hab’ at The Priory.

Voice mail and text messages recently hacked from Winehouse’s cell phone by News International press journalists revealed that the singer had been suffering from depression after having Slag Bag Records cancel production of her current ‘Wasted Talent’ album due being pissed all day, and then losing her Bargain Booze loyalty card last month.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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