Saturday, 2 July 2011

Yobette Witches Slapped With Asbos

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Two teenage girls who have been libellously labelled by red top tabloid hacks from the British gutter press as the "Shitebirk Witches" were yesterday slapped with ‘At Her Majesty’s Pleasure’ anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for terrorising their neighbourhood with plagues of famine and pestilence on a level not seen since Moses had a fall-out with the 19th Dynasty Pharaoh Ramses II and put the mockers on the Egyptians.

The sitting Stipendiary Magistrate, Mrs Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle, heard police evidence against Feral Beryl McGammer and Toxic Tessie Titwank who stood accused of causing a spate of Biblical scale problems for people living on the Shitebirk Hamlets sink or swim council housing estate at Slagborough Sands, which included summoning up demons and waging a weather war against the community by causing floods with their hip-hop rain dances and setting the local Jobcentre on fire with a bolt of lightning.

WPC Candida Muffitch of Slagborough Sands Police’s ‘Black Magic Unit’ gave testimony in court of the pair and various accomplices terrorising the Shitebirk Hamlets area with their low-flying broomstick antics, such as kicking resident’s Sky satellite dishes and TV antennas off the chimney stacks as they flew past – and in which one such episode a member of their coven, a certain 14-year old Mingeeter Slapperotti, while towing a ‘Lesbo Sisters Rule’ banner behind her broom, collided with telephone wires and plummeted to her death.

WPC Muffitch informed the court under oath that the arrest of Titwank and McGammer, the coven’s ringleaders, came after an incident at a Slagborough Sands pop concert in May, during a performance by Gladys Gorgon & the Grottmeisters, when the lead singer Gladys burst into flames and spontaneously combusted after Ms Titwank tossed a needle-encrusted voodoo doll effigy of Gladys onto the stage with a ‘Burn, baby, burn – yer croakin’ cunt!’ label pinned to its back.

WPC Muffitch added “Ms Titwank initially denied any involvement with the incident, but after several sessions on the ducking stool then a night in the local pillory – and getting buggered by Father McSodom - she confessed all.”

Conversely, and in their defence, Ms Titwank - a fifteen year old mother of three, who is currently undertaking a Open University home study course, translating the Kabbala from 3rd Century BCE Aramaic into Chav-speak Euro-English while also attending Slagborough Sands Central Academy to obtain an NVQ1 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud - told media reporters that “We woz only havin’ a bit of fun an’ castin’ a few spells fer a laugh out of this book of Witchcraft we got from the library.”

“All our mates woz real inter this sorta thing so we started up our own coven one night an’ swore a blood oath pact while we woz all pissed as rats an’ outa our effin’ heads down at Troublespot Taverns guzzling back bottles of Meths Breezers and Migrane Mixers.”

Evidence exhibits seized by the Plod Squad’s ‘Black Magic Unit’ when they raided the coven's den at Skanger Terraces included several tubes of Boots Wart Remover, a litter of mangy black kittens - plus jars containing newt’s eyes, toad’s tongues, bat’s wings, rabbits foot charms – and a rabbi’s foreskin.

Do you live in the Shitebirk Hamlets area? Have you been cursed or possessed by demons lately? Any recollections of nocturnal visits by a sexy succubus? Did you know you can get a free exorcism on the NHS?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a Hogsnorts t-shirt and free tickets to the latest Harry Snotter film premier.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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