Drought-Stricken Somalis Now Drowning

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Hapless peasants who fled the drought-stricken areas of Somalia to reach relief camps near the shithole capital of Mogadishu and sign on at the Third World dump’s only Jobcentre Plus, have now been hit by days of torrential rain.

UN aid workers told the media that legions of climate change affected starving refugees making their way to relief camps in the hope of a free meal and signing up with the Yo-Ho-Ho Pirate Crew Employment Agency had been swept away and drowned in the flash floods ravaging the rocky desert landscape after thunderstorms of cataclysmic Biblical proportions hit the region in this latest demonstration of HAARP weather wars.

Mr Wormhole Jaffacake, the UN humanitarian affairs co-ordinator for Somalia, told one reporter from Irony magazine that the country was close to famine last week, with refugees dying of starvation and thirst by the sides of the Balcad to Afgooye north-south highway which runs through Mogadishu.

“Well, I tell you, if it wasn’t for bad luck then the Somali’s wouldn’t have any. One minute they don’t have a glass of water between them, then the next thing they’re drowning. Of course, what makes this tragedy worse is the fact that no fucker or their dog can swim as their hometown municipal pools and duck ponds were drunk dry two years ago.”

“The air drop of lifejackets and inflatable boats arrived too late to be of any help to the first batch of flood victims. Nor does the prompt dispatch of a truck-load of foreign aid - organised by the U2 frontman and Third World Messiah, Bono – seem to have alleviated the suffering from exposure and hypothermia as a container full of umbrellas arrived without instructions attached, hence nobody could work out how to use one.”
“However, the thousands of pairs of Wellington boots, sou’-westers and Pack-a Mac’s – plus a box of assorted rubber ducks - flown in from Europe went into the communal cooking pot and provided meals for several days.”

Dr Osman Tosspot, a Mogadishu-based UN medic, informed a gang of foreign press hacks and photographers crammed in a rowing boat “Alas, the only ones who benefit from this catastrophe are the vultures – and those infidel cannibal types who aren’t too fussy what they eat.”
“This is the judgement of Allah upon the sins of Somalia. First they pay their witch doctors to make it rain – then they get more than they bargain for and are now asking them to make it stop. There is simply no pleasing some people.”

However life, and too commerce, in pursuit of profit at any price – goes on regardless. One ambitious sign outside a swamped store in Mogadishu advertises “Learn to water ski and scuba dive – hurry now, while floods last!”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.