Dr Who Time Travel Exposed as Scam

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A gaggle of anoraks and beardies blessed with more degrees than a thermometer, yesterday used a theoretical ‘radar trap’ to confirm the ultimate speed limit for the packets of light called photons as 186,000 miles per second – hence making the entire concept of time travel more at scent than substance.

This news has not only served to stall the production of several in-the-works science fiction series that focus on time-hopping but also given Dr Who’s conscience a kick as he finally admits to the Universal Traveller scam on his Facebook page – that he’s not actually an immortal Time Lord who’s been around since the Big Bang but a former wheelbarrow mechanic out to re-invent himself after being made redundant back in the early ‘60’s.

Apparently even the ‘Doctor’ title is another disingenuous invention, and one adopted when Mr Frank Who of 69, Bunghole Terraces, Smegmadale, whose only ‘professional’ qualification is an NVQ 1 in Creative Thinking, was laid off from his job and started up as a pub act in November 1963 – employing a series of cheap smoke and mirrors tricks to convert his back garden shed into the mystical Tardis.

Dr Who told one press hack from the Charlatans Gazette that “It woz all goin’ okay, rakin’ a few bob in ter pay the effin’ rent. Then this arty-farty twat of a talent scout from the BBC comes around ter the Pikeys Arms one night an’ sez he likes me act an’ does I wanna go on the bleedin’ telly? Well, wot the fuck, why not I sez, an’ the next thing I’ve got a dressin’ room an’ a script writer an’ me own show.”

The man responsible for pissing on Dr Who’s bonfire, now exposed as a 48-year long deception, was Oxford Professor Jack ‘Wormhole’ Watson, who informed the media “There I was, working late one night last week, running tests on CERN’s Large Hadron Collider in Geneva and trying to get to grips with either Higgs boson – or that pretty little Olga, the blonde chick with the big tits that works in the canteen.”
“Then it struck me - not only why the LHC was causing earthquakes and tsunamis in Japan and making more of a fuck up of the global weather in general than the US HAARP arrays - but the fact that a high energy particle accelerator is unable to transform gravity and bend light simultaneously – hence proving time travel impossible.”

“The next night myself and a gang of the CERN eggheads were down in the Black Hole Bar on Smartass Strasse, swigging a few flaming chaser shots of Meths and Metaxa, and discussing my theory when Eureka! – it was a moment of group enlightenment that holds a plethora of prosaic implications for quantum physics.”

“We collectively realised that while light’s constant velocity limit in a vacuum is a fixed number - some 300,000 klicks per second - a speed Formula One racing drivers refer to as “very, very fast” - the speed of light can vary widely in different materials – such as passing through a glass of Old Headbanger lager. However no single ‘superluminal’ photon can ever violate this causality, hence an event's effect cannot precede its cause by travelling faster than light, and thus permit an instance of time travel.”

Back in London, BBC spokeswoman Ms Mingeeter Dildodo admitted to media competitors that “Well, last week we were all laughing at Rupert Mudrock’s dilemma and the Screws of the World getting shut down – now the laugh’s on us at the Beeb – being taken for a ride by a time travelling con man and his Portaloo Tardis for nearly fifty years.”

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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