News Corp: Shit Hits Fan Big Time

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, it’s not so much a matter of the rats deserting a sinking boat as the crew of the News of the World folded their Jolly Roger last Sunday and doggy paddled ashore en masse as the distressed pirate flagship floundered and sank beneath the waves of socio-political disgust.

However, it might well come down to ‘every man, and woman, for themselves’ as the Met’s Plod Squad kick start yet another investigation into the phone hacking scandal – and a novel one into police bribery at the highest ranking levels of the force to boot – and all under Parliamentary oversight this time around too.
Then the back-stabbings and character assassinations will commence as the innocent scapegoat types and guilty parties alike contend in combat on the battlefields of self-preservation – vying for immunity and plea bargains.

We don’t need the facility of 20/20 hindsight to comprehend that no fucker or their dog’s going to come out of this little imbroglio unscathed and Posh Dave Scameron’s political minders are cognisant of this fact – hence his Day One confessions in the House of Conmans viz the hiring of career scumbag Andy Coulson – to cover his arse when the worst comes out – and ‘out’ it is all going to come, as sure as eggs is eggs.

The revelations about to rear their ugly heads will go far beyond hacking the phone of next door’s cat or bribing PC Plod with a palmful of silver. The uncoiling of this scandal will serve to incriminate Scotland Yard’s top notch finest – still in service or retired - with accepting mega-bucks cash payment bribes – plus MoD and BAE Armament Corp staff for insider info’ – plus our crooked stable of expense-fiddling MPs and pork barrel Lords – and Shitehall civil service mandarins – and ranking military, MI5 and MI6 officers for the low-down on their illegal foreign wars and IRA and Ulster terror activities. Then we have moles inside the customs and immigration agencies flogging info’ on drug seizures and the round-ups of smuggled illegal Chinese cockle pickers.

But that’s just for starters, to say nothing of the corrupt stoolies and Metropolitan Police Royal Protection Squad officers and trusted equerries inside the British Monarch’s household leaking info’ on which Royal’s downing pints of syrup of figs to ease their chronic constipation – or consulting a Harley Street specialist for their dose of galloping minge rot or a septic scrotum or suppurating haemorrhoids – or who’s seen the 1997 e-mail from Phil the Greek to the boss of MI5 to snuff Princess Diana with extreme prejudice before she started reading the Quran, wearing a burkha and dropped any Muslim babies.

No doubt there’s going to be a most conspicuous spate of Grassy Knoll Woods style assisted suicides – which will doubtless be blamed on guilt complexes, manic depression or the unseasonable weather caused by global warming – or cooling – as the case may be at the time. Wrists slashed with blunt pruning knives, cadavers choked on empty packets of Co-Proximal – or that old Israeli Mossad favourite of radioactive thallium in the mouthwash – the possibilities are prodigious in the prevention of exposure and the pursuit of silence.

To kick start the outraged "Who me?" denial game, former Met Police assistant commissioner Andy Haystack, who headed the suspiciously stalled investigation into phone hacking at the News of the World in 2006, reacted with a most conspicuous outburst of anger and indignation when asked by Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Chair of the Parliamentary Home Affairs Select Committee, whether he had ever accepted bribe money from the media to drop the case or obscure pertinent evidence.

"Good God. Absolutely not. I can't believe you suggested that", he responded, totally spitting the dummy, before stating that the question was an attack on his personal integrity – then explaining that the fact he had opened a numbered Swiss bank account while conducting the investigation was to deposit a lucky National Lottery win and nothing to do with corrupt cash-in-brown-envelopes payoffs.

Haystack’s histrionic display of emotional outrage came as Sir Irwin and his team tried to determine how the police screwed up so badly with their original inquiries into criminal activities at the News of the World and ‘accidentally’ managed to conveniently thwart the entire phone hacking investigation.
The original police inquiry began in 2005, triggered by Screws of the World stories concerning the ginger-mingin royal cuckoo Prince Harry’s true father – whether it was Chazzer the Plant Whisper or the royal gigolo, James ‘Ranga’ Hewitt - or some other non-entity palace window cleaner that Princess Di’ had been humping.

Speculation abounds that the ginger-mingin News International CEO, Rebekah Brooks, could be questioned by police as a witness, rather than a suspect at this time – until someone puts the knife in her back and spills a few beans.

Brooks, a practiced corporate survivalist who can ford a river by stepping on the bodies of her peers and underlings alike, has obviously denied having any knowledge of hacking or bribery payments while she was operating under the moniker of Rebekah Wade as editor of the scurrilous gutter press rag from 2000 to 2003 – leaving open the big question of “Okay, so who the fuck else had the top ranking authority to okay non-receipted massive cash bribes to Mr Plod” – the janitor or the tea lady?

Meanwhile News Corp’s media mogul chairman, Rupert ‘Wrinkles’ Mudrock flew into London on Sunday to personally handle his organisation's response to the phone-hacking and bribery crisis.

After visiting News International for a ‘keep yer gobs shut’ pep talk with senior executives, the Dirty Digger appeared later with Rebekah the Ranga. Asked what his priority was, he replied, smiling like some moronic Cheshire cat "Looking after this one – me favourite little fuck bunny Bekah," gesturing at his News International CEO skanger and wholly missing the irony of his ‘first priority’ not being to publicly apologise to the hacking victims and their families.
Ah well, such is life with shit-for-brains vulgarians deluded by their own unqualified arrogance and misguided sense of worth.

The Screws of the World’s final edition, published on Sunday after thousands of years at being the UK’s number one ‘behind the bog door’ newspaper and aid to masturbation included a full page 3 tits bared apology for hacking the mobile phones of zillions of people and further corrupting ranking members of the Scotland Yard Constabulary with massive bribes – stating quite moronically, as though offered as a perfectly reasonable excuse: "Quite simply, we fucked up and lost our way.”

Thought for the day: So, this little scandal’s going to shake the highest levels of government and Her Majesty’s Constabulary – and too, money-grubbing members of Britain’s parasitic Royal Family household.
Ah well, as the pundits say, shit happens in the best of regulated families – but alas the Mudrock clan is the worst of regulated families, who broke the inviolate strictures of the 11th Commandment – and got caught.

In light of all this shit, can the old Dirty Digger Mudrock (or his News Corporation crime syndicate) be considered a ‘fit and proper person’, of good moral character, to be trusted with the stewardship of BSkyB with regard to the current phone hacking and bribery scandals? If he can’t be trusted to run a Sunday newspaper without resorting to criminal activities – such as hacking into a murdered schoolgirl’s voicemail (sick, sad, puke) - then how the hell can the government have confidence in sanctioning his custodianship of our biggest satellite telly broadcaster?

Answers on a post card and addressed to Ofcom, please.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.