Friday, 15 July 2011

Greece: No 1 Tourist Knifing Destination

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

One thing that UK travel companies seem to be keeping mum over is the recent escalation of knife-related crimes across the Greek archipelago aimed at foreign tourists who the peasantry are targeting and robbing in their states of frustration and manic depression over the current economic crisis and enforced austerity measures that have reduced the quality of their lives to that of a Malthusian catastrophe poverty line subsistence level.

It’s perfectly understandable that the Greek proletariat – taxi drivers included – are pissed off with their kleptocrat politicians for making such a fuck up of the country’s economy due the ingrained system of institutionalised graft and corruption that now runs so deep their government is incapable of functioning without it - and has manifested as the cause of all their socio-fiscal ills..

However, can someone in authority get them to focus their ire and wrath on the aforesaid politicos and the IMF’s Shylock banksters responsible for the mess and request they cease and desist from getting Bolshie with the tourists who are bringing in a steady flow of ready cash to keep local businesses afloat - and stop turning working class Brit’s vacations into Greek tragedies.

The latest knifing attack took place in the early hours of Wednesday morning on the quaint goat-infested – and aptly named - island of ‘Stabbos’ in the azure Ionian Sea, against a group of teenage Brit’ lads just out for a bit of fun - leaving one dead and four seriously injured.

Local police have arrested two Greek taxi drivers and charged them with murder, and complicity to commit murder, respectively.

Spyro Moronopolis, a former jellyfish juggler, spoke in their defence, claiming his actions were those of ‘justifiable homicide’, telling police detectives “The one I stick my dagger into, he is a cheap prick who refused to give me a ten euro tip - and he acts like soccer hooligan scumbag anyway as he was wearing a red Man United t-shirt, which we all hate.”

“And this other guy we knife, he looks like that Irish arsehole U2 frontman, Bonehead – the one with the sunglasses who is always going on about saving the world. Perhaps it is me, maybe I should ask my doctor to up my medication for anxiety and stress and stop trying to rob tourists. Perhaps it is that I am not cut out for a life of crime.”

Typical of the current Greek ‘whinge epidemic’, Dimitrios Vulgarian, the manager of the Hotel del Morte, where the stricken tourist group were staying, complained to media hacks “Just look at all this blood on my lobby carpet – who is going to pay to have that cleaned, I ask you? Not the Tourist Board in Athens. Then we have the matter of this dead guest’s mini-bar bill to be settled – and his fresh laundry that he will no longer be needing.”

Candida McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three who was staying with the fated group and like them, from Manchester’s Stench Hill area, spoke with one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette while adjusting her Croydon-facelift hair-do. “Me an’ me girlfriend Veyron had managed ter save a few quid each week from our fiddled welfare benefits just ter afford ter come out here on holiday wiv the lads fer a couple of weeks an’ get pissed outa our tiny effin’ minds every night an’ go skinny-dippin’ an’ get inter lots of clusterfuck shagfests on the beach.”

“Then on our third night here some effin’ scrote of a taxi driver an’ his mate goes an’ chivs me boyfriend Bazzer an’ snuffs him – an’ puts the rest of the crew in the A an’ E as well. Now I’ve gotta go out an’ buy a body bag ter ship him back home in.”

Conversely, as Athens have conceded to comply with IMF demands, a report from them released on Wednesday praised Greek officials for adopting its recommended austerity measures – which include slashing all welfare benefits and pensions to zero, selling the Acropolis to Indian tycoon Wormhole Chuckabutty, and closing down the country’s banks to avoid a run on them.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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