Friday, 8 July 2011

Saudis Win ‘Barbarians of the Year’ Award

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Saudi Arabian court, headed by Sheikh Ras al Shitbag of the Mutaween religious police, has succeeded in getting the bog-standard kingdom into the Guinness Book of World Records this week after they set a judicial first by actually prosecuting one of their nationals for ‘crimes against humanity’ – and sentenced a woman to 50 hours of community service plus fining her 100 riyals for stabbing, beating and burning her Indonesian housemaid, Whingeeter bin Hapless, after she failed to peel sufficient grapes for the accused’s breakfast.

The woman, Princess Sharmuta Bala’a il A’air, the fourth wife of Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the Minister for Nepotistic Appointments, was sentenced under a newly-enacted legislative decree, based on legal statutes copied directly from the British RSPCA’s handbook of cruelty to animals laws.
This constitutes a veritable first for the backward kingdom, where graft and corruption have become so institutionalised that government is incapable of functioning without them, and where peasants caught parking on double yellow lines, or getting pissed on Horny Camel beer, or falling behind with their council tax payments, cop for fifty lashes.

Such is life under the rule of the Saudi kleptocracy, where adulterous sluts are condemned to be lapidated (‘stoned’ to death – and not by smoking ganja), and petty thieves have their hands chopped off – with beheading the penalty for posting anti-establishment graffiti or writing to the Despots Gazette, criticising the ruling totalitarian regime - or bad-mouthing King Abdullah bin Fat Git personally.

Hmmm, King Abdullah, an autocratic dictator who doesn’t qualify for a slot in the index of Linnaean taxonomy, and a man now stricken with severe credibility issues due his violent suppression of the population’s Arab Spring aspirations - and dispatching troops from their Renta-Thug Battalion to Bahrain to quell socio-political dissent there - has been ranked by Tyrant-Watch, the international human rights and wrongs sentinel, as among the worst five dictators in Asia.

Known amongst the silent political opposition and critics alike as Abdullah the Slug, the King presides over a Third World shithole, veneered with a wafer-thin facade of civilization, where religious freedom is non-existent, along with freedom of speech - and women have no rights whatever as they can't work, vote, try to piss standing up - or drive a car – and are forbidden from appearing in public without being ensheathed in one of those vile and ubiquitous Satanic black burkhas – and accompanied by an adult male relative – and get punished as harshly as the cock-happy perpetrators if they’re stupid enough to complain to the police that they’ve been raped.

Now, we are unfortunately forced to accept that fact that there are no safeguards against the vagaries of human nature – and fascist states like Saudi don’t recognise such socio-political objectives as the Montesquieu principles of political checks and balances – which serve to ensure freedom of speech, justice and the rule of law, and thus provide an indicator of a society’s civilised status to meet the aspirations and demands of their internet street smart Bolshie populations.

However, fortunately, apart from other damning transgressions of basic human rights listed in the preceding paragraphs, which the peons of civilised nations take for granted in the 21st Century - at least the notorious national pastime of torturing foreign domestic maids is finally frowned upon and decreed to be a crime in Saudi Arabia – where the actual year on the Hirji calendar is still a Dark Ages ‘1432’.

Alas, pulling her ‘royal connections’ Get Out of Jail Free card, Princess Sharmuta Bala’a il A’air is insisting that she’s innocent and had nothing to do with the injuries suffered by her housemaid, Ms Whingeeter Binti Salan Mustapa – who she claims is a self-harmer and inflicted the wounds upon her own person which left her with third degree burns, deep lacerations, several broken bones, a fractured skull, internal bleeding and severe bruising - and informed one interviewer from Oasis Channel TV that she will appeal against the sentencing.

Thought for the day: More than 80,000 Indonesian and Filipino Muslim domestic workers flock to Saudi Arabia every year, where they and other economic migrant workers face slavery-like conditions and sexual abuse. So, will this successful prosecution herald an end to the culture of housemaid tortures? Hmmm, in the interests of environmental hygiene, will bears stop shitting in the woods? Will the Pope stop wearing that daft fishtail hat?

Anyone ever wondered why there are no pigs in Saudi Arabia? Easy, no self-respecting porker worth its bacon would live in the Third World barbaric shithole.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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